12.29.13

A few thoughts as the year winds down... I have a lot to be grateful and thankful for; first and foremost, that I'm still here. The beginning of this year I wasn't certain if I'd still be around, let alone still feeling healthy and well; all a credit to the incredible knowledge and expertise my medical people have expended on my behalf. I cannot thank them enough.

While there are some areas in my life where I haven't experienced or achieved all that I would have liked to, one area in which I've always and truly been blessed- and I know I've written this before- is to be surrounded by so many great people, from all of my walks of life. I've never been an especially sentimental person but it bears repeating on my part because I truly appreciate, and am very humbled by, my associations and friendships with so many good, solid, caring people- honestly, more than I've often deserved. Particularly nice has been reconnecting with so many people from Easton; I've kept good contact with friends from college over the years but, apart from a few of The Boys, I hadn't had much contact with a lot of Easton folks for a long time, to the point that I'm surprised people remembered me. It's been heartening, and humbling, to reconnect with such good people. There are many important things in life, but I truly believe that they all start with people. Any material success, or happiness, or whatever else we achieve, if we don't have good people to share those things with, how successful, how fulfilled, are we?

One area I am frustrated with is/are my workouts. In my mind I often still feel like I'm 18 (or at least 30!) and I get frustrated that I cannot do what I did at 18, or even 40. My running mileage and times are both down, I can't lift nearly as much weight as I once did, cardio workouts are more difficult; I do what I can but damn, it is frustrating. I don't know if it's from the cancer, cumulative effects of the chemo, being in my later 40's, or simply that I need to push myself harder but it frustrates the living hell out of me that I'm not doing what I feel I should be capable of doing.

I don't know what 2014 holds. This May will mark three years since my cancer odyssey began. It doesn't dominate my thoughts 24/7 but in the back of my mind I am aware that I'm on the clock. I feel well now; how well I'm feeling 8-10 months from now, well, that remains to be seen. As I mentioned above I have some truly dedicated and talented people working on my behalf; they know their stuff. I still have things that I want and need to do. I'm not a New Years Resolution kind of person but I probably could stand to live my life with a little more passion, a little more urgency, take more- wholesome- risks, take on more challenges.
Hold me to that.

Best wishes for a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2014!

11.27.13

I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all this year. Back in January my oncologist thought it would be surprising if I was still around and/or reasonably healthy about now; currently she seems to believe that I likely should be around at least thru next summer. And I'm still feeling pretty damn good!

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Less hectic than Christmas, and it always includes and is about my favorite four F's- family, friends, football, and food! Thanksgiving has always been just a great, fun, relaxing day... as well as for the leftovers the next day (the classic sandwich- turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy and/or mayo.) And a couple of these don't hurt, either: Thanksgiving Ale  Mayflower Thanksgiving Ale is a full-bodied beer brewed with a rich array of barley and rye malts and aged several weeks on toasted oak. It’s the perfect beverage for America’s hometown holiday. And this year's holiday season is good too, in that Thanksgiving falls so late that the Christmas hype and all doesn't start up too soon, so that folks don't get burnt out by December 25th.

Happy Thanksgiving- Beat Sharon.

11.4.13

A few of my favorite mantras, catch-phrases, aphorisms; some motivational, some philosophical, some I haven't always followed. Many are from the world of sports but are applicable to countless situations and endeavors.
Feel free to share any of yours!

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
- John Wooden

It's a good day to grow!
-Coach Chapman

You don't brush bones.
- BDL, on dental hygiene (OK, maybe not apropos, but funny.)

It is not the critic who counts.
- Teddy Roosevelt

We are the people our parents warned us about.
- Jimmy Buffett

You miss all of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzsky

A man's got to know his limitations.
- Harry Callahan

Tough times never last but tough people do.
- unknown (to me- anyone?)

It's better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
- The Christophers

Apathy: avoid it like the plague.
- Woody Hayes

The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
- William Blake

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser.
- me (Not an indictment of good sportsmanship but rather an intense aversion to losing, whatever the endeavor.)

Every day's a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks?
- Tony Soprano

Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice.
- Barry Goldwater

You don't shit where you eat.
- Coach Mitchell

Be good. But if you can't be good be careful.
-unknown (to me)

The team. The team. The team.
- Bo Schembechler

Refuse to lose.
- John Calipari

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- Dean Wormer

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
- Plato

10.17.13

Among the many things I've come to learn later in life than I should is the wisdom that can be gained from others. For much of my life I acted as if I had all the answers, that there was little I could learn from others' wisdom, experience, example, inspiration. Charitably perhaps it was the belief that I should always be self-sufficient, self-motivated, but in reality it was arrogance. In so many spheres- education, career, relationships, even health and fitness, I seldom listened to, never mind heeded, the suggestions, wisdom, and advice others offered, nor sought to learn from the examples and experiences of others. And it was my loss- there are so many people out there to learn from, many of whom are willing, even eager, to lend their expertise, their experiences, their wisdom.

I've become better at this over the years. I've grown to increasingly value the opinions, suggestions, and advice of others. Moreso I've tried to learn from the examples set by the people around me- how they treat their spouses or significant others, how they raise their kids, how they work diligently, what they value, how they make and take the time to enjoy and appreciate the people in their lives. Some people I simply take inspiration from, from their attitude toward and they way they live their lives. Some- probably many- of these folks don't even know that they motivate, teach, and inspire me, by example as much as by word.

There is so much to be learned from those around us, if only we take the time, and lose the arrogance, to do so.

9.20.13

Thinking back over the last 2+ years, while obviously I'd still prefer to be a healthy asshole(!) I can't help but think how this experience with cancer has affected- changed?- me as a person and how, to some extent (again, I'd still prefer to be cancer-free) in a curious way it has been a blessing of some sorts. First and foremost it has made me a more grateful, appreciative person, more than anything toward the truly wonderful and outstanding people providing me with excellent care (not to be morbid but I could already be gone; the median prognosis for folks w/ stage IV colon cancer was/is a little over 2 years, meaning 50% of patients are gone by that point. A little over 2 years in for me now the cancer still seems to be relatively stable, no new growths or spread as of yet, the existing tumors waning and waxing depending upon how they've responded to various treatment regimens, my lab results still come back pretty well, and most importantly I still feel perfectly well, still able to do most everything I was doing prior to all of this.) But just as much grateful and appreciative to all of the people in my various walks of life, grateful for and appreciative of each day.

What I guess I've been most surprised about is that this hasn't turned me into a totally bitter, angry, negative person. While I don't believe I've ever been excessively pessimistic I don't think anyone would have called me Vito Sunshine either. I suppose a diagnosis of the sort that I received could have turned me bitter, angry, and negative. If anything I believe that I've become a somewhat more pleasant, thoughtful, and in a strange way positive person than I may have been in the past (I still get pissed when the Pats lose, but... ) Admittedly much of this is likely due to the fact that I still feel well, neither the cancer nor the treatments have yet to significantly impact my day-to-day life (beyond the 3-4 hour time suck every other Wednesday for treatment. Boring more than anything.) But moreso I've just been more willing, more able, to not sweat the small stuff as much, a better sense of what is and what is not so important. Similarly, tho' there are many things to take seriously I've found that I take myself less seriously than perhaps I did before. And I believe that I've become more willing to give others the benefit of the doubt, cut more slack than previously I might have, more tolerant of and sympathetic toward others. Maybe all of that is simply due to me wanting to leave people with a decent impression, decent memory of me but it has been an interesting surprise. I still need to work on being less-reserved around people, still need to learn to forgive myself for having been hurtful toward people, as well as for squandered and/or unseized-upon opportunities; I still need to learn how to cut myself some slack, accept that I cannot change or undo the past, live in the moment as they say. I'm working at it.

I don't write any of this to give myself a pat on the back- I should have been this way years ago (except for the cancer ;) ) Rather, it's more of an observation, hopefully an illustrative one, that kind of hits on the notion that, while we often can't control all that happens to us we can control how we react/respond to what happens to us- negatively or positively, embittered or pleasant, with pessimism or optimism, resignation or renewal, angry over what we may not have or appreciating what we do have.

Exerting control over how we respond to life's challenges can be an empowering thing,

9.08.13

I attended my 30 year high school reunion last night- it was the first one I'd been to. I wasn't sure exactly what to expect- hopefully folks mostly milling around the bar, and I wasn't disappointed. (I don't think I or the guys that I showed up with strayed more than five feet from the bar the entire evening- small surprise.) Outside of maybe a half-dozen or so folks I probably hadn't seen most of them in thirty or so years; some I recognized instantly, others not so much- name tags are a good thing. Obviously we'd all aged in 30 years, some of us more than others; I believe we'd all had our share of ups and downs, successes and setbacks, opportunities and challenges, triumphs and tragedies, and have, or at last have tried, to make our way through them all.

A lot of the cliches about reunions seemed, to me at least, to be true. The passing of the years does tend to soften the rougher edges, the rivalries and romances and more, things that seemed so serious back then, are things we can laugh about now. The shared histories of growing up in the same town, attending the same school, do create a bond of sorts, a connectivity, one that, more often than not I failed to fully recognize and appreciate. Reconnecting is good; remembering the past (the good and the bad) while living in the present, sharing what has transpired in our lives over the years and what is going on today- marriages, divorces, children, careers, interests, and yeah, illnesses too- as well as remembering, and hopefully laughing about, our pasts, these are good things. I'm sure none of this is unique to the Oliver Ames Class of 1983.

I'd like to think the years- maturity maybe?- made me a little nicer and friendlier, less of a hardass, than I was back then (tho' I'm sure some folks probably thought "nah, Vito's still an asshole!") It was great to see and reconnect with so many truly wonderful people. I had an enjoyable time- thanks folks!

9.02.13

It was 30 years ago this weekend that I went out to Amherst to attend UMass; one of the better decisions of my life. Beyond the outstanding and affordable education (which I, sadly, did not always take full advantage of) I met some good people, had some great times (some of which I even remember) and made some truly great, lifelong friends.

The campus pond, studying at the Newman Center, tailgating at football games, lax games in the spring, BDL and Hunty's Southfork Ranch, The Pub, Barselotti's, Time Out, The Chequers (Kies' bar) horrifying the poor gals at Smith and Mt. Holyoke parties, making the trip over the Notch to Tony's and the Granby Legion, Friday afternoon videos and parties and exchanges at the Mu, and of course that big yellow house on Elm St., and the later house on N. Pleasant St...

UMass and Amherst were great places to spend my college years.

8.23.13

I've said it before but it still rings true- the smell of fresh-cut grass in the late August sun always reminds me of double sessions... Dry grass and dusty ground on the practice field up behind the junior high, sun beating down on orange helmets, white practice unis, and full pads, stretching out, agility drills, hitting the sled, group then team offense, quick water break, group and team defense, sprints, 4th quarter drill, sweaty, tired, and sore heading back to the locker room and a few hours off, then doing it all over again in the afternoon... I imagine guys and gals who played other sports have similar stories and memories, likely fonder with time.

The things we could do when we were 15, 16, 17... (Tho' I did get in a good workout today.)

When you just don't seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closing in...

8.5.13

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. - John Wooden

I've used this as a mantra of sorts for quite awhile, moreso the last couple of years. It's a very simple aphorism but if you think about it it is extremely powerful, and empowering. It's all about reaching and maximizing one's potential, achieving to the best of one's individual ability. It's not about beating the other guy or gal but realizing success at one's own level, doing, striving, and being the best one can be, wherever that level may be.

I get frustrated sometimes; due to one of the chemo drugs I take running, cardio, even lifting are often more challenging than they were just a couple of years ago (I mentioned this to my oncologist and she also gently reminded me that I'm also 48 yrs old! Damn!) One of the drugs causes neuropathy which, in my case, has been a numbing of my fingertips and, especially, toes and feet. Think of how your feet feel after standing out in the cold and snow for a couple of hours and then trying to go for a run; they feel numb, like blocks of ice. That's how my feet often feel and hence it does make running, and doing cardio, more challenging. Similarly, grasping a barbell or dumbbell while lifting, I sometimes don't feel quite as strong, as secure, in my grip as I did. Again, doable, but more challenging. And yeah, I still get a little pissed if someone passes me on my run (I am slower than I was a couple of years ago) or pushes significantly more weight than I. But then I remind myself of the quote above and think: Yeah, ok, right now I can't do what I did a few years ago, but there is still plenty that I can do, and am doing, hopefully to my maximum ability. Doing what I can do, not quitting because of what I cannot do.

It's a lesson, a mindset, that can translate to so many different areas beyond athletics; school, work, entrepreneurial endeavors, relationships... again, utilizing and maximizing one's abilities to be the best we can be, in whatever endeavor. It's a lesson, a mindset that, if adopted, can help power  through challenging or difficult circumstances, simply by doing what we can do, not being overwhelmed and defeated by what we may not be able to do. That is a very powerful, and empowering, manner in which to live.

7.19.13

Outside of family and friends the one thing that has brought me the most pleasure throughout my life has been sports. Whether playing or watching, sports have always been something that appealed to me, spoke to me, captured me and my attention. I'm not talking about the off-field, off-court, off-ice things that tend to cast sports in a less-than-good light but the sheer spectacle, the sheer joy, of athletic endeavors themselves. And just as much as the games themselves, the practices and preparations, the workouts and the training, the sacrifice and the commitment, are all something that have brought joy to me. When I'm involved in an athletic endeavor, whether it's a run, a workout, playing in a game or watching one, it's always been the one time in my life where all other thoughts, worries, concerns, are shut out- my mind is totally consumed with the endeavor at hand; for that amount of time nothing else matters, nothing else intrudes. A wonderful escape, one I've never found elsewhere. To compete, and/or to see people compete, in whatever athletic endeavor, whether successfully or not, putting in the best effort possible, in preparation and in competition, has always been such a great feeling for me to have, and a joy to see in others.

It's wonderful to see the increased opportunities for women to compete as well- from tennis and road racing to rugby and lacrosse and every sport in-between, the opportunities offered and the attributes gained- fitness, commitment, confidence, leadership- as a result of those opportunities are just as important and valuable to women as to men. Sports is perhaps the closest our society comes to a true meritocracy; results are easily quantifiable, and success is earned, not given, regardless of background via, yes natural ability and talent but also through hard work. The best all-around athlete I've personally known was also the hardest-working athlete I've known, on the field and court as well as in practice and training, attributes that allowed him to succeed at a very high level and attributes which he has passed along to his sons and daughter who also compete and achieve at a very high level. He and they are successes- on the field, in the classroom, in business, in life- all of which I believe are a result of the many positive lessons gained from participation in athletics.

Go on out and play!

6.26.13

Thoughts while digesting the Aaron Hernandez arraignment...

Over the last couple of years I've had a few people ask me if I'm afraid of dying. I don't believe that I am. Either there is an afterlife of some sort (which I believe there is... and hopefully I'll end up in the good place!) or there is not- either way there is nothing I can do about it, and my demise will be no different from that of anyone else who has ever lived. I am somewhat apprehensive about what may lay in store leading up to that; while I've always had a fairly high threshold to/tolerance of pain obviously I don't wish to suffer. And worse, I do not wish to be a burden upon anyone if/when things deteriorate. I won't allow either of those things to happen.

I have many regrets but chief among them: the way I treated people in the past, and squandered/unrecognized/un-utilized opportunities. While I've tried to make amends for, or at least learn from, those obviously I can't- none of us can- change the past. In both cases as best I can I've tried to adopt a pay-it-forward mindset, with varying degrees of success. And with regrets too, at least for me, so often my regrets are more for the things that I didn't do, didn't pursue, didn't take a chance on as opposed to things that I did do that maybe didn't turn out as successfully as I'd have hoped. With few exceptions (if we've killed or maimed someone, or ourselves) the mistakes we've made, the things we did that, in hindsight, perhaps weren't the right or best of choices, are things that we can at least learn from and try not to repeat. But chances, choices, risks, opportunities that we don't make or take, the things we don't do or pursue, those may be the biggest regrets any of us can have, and if I could offer any advice to my niece and nephew- or any younger folks- it would be to avoid as much as possible the regret of what if.

And not so much a regret as a disappointment that, apparently, I'll be jumping off of this journey ahead of most everyone reading this, missing out on sharing many future experiences with family and friends. It's fascinating and rewarding to see how peoples' lives have evolved, the many events and experiences that bring us all to where we are today- schooling, sports and other interests and hobbies, careers, trips, relationships, marriages, children, all of the ups and, yes, the downs too... seeing how people have changed, and yet how they've also stayed the same. A shared history. It's also been rewarding to reconnect with people I had lost touch with over the years, to see and to share how the years have treated them, the competent, confident, flourishing adults that they have become. I've said it before, and it's one regret that I won't have; I've truly been blessed to have been surrounded by so many good people, in all of my walks of life.

(Edit: upon re-reading this it maybe makes things sound dire. I still feel well and, as far as I know, nothing adverse is imminent. No need to start that death pool just yet!)

6.09.13

Outstanding series sweep by the Bruins! Tuukka has been lights out, and everyone has stepped it up. Onto the Stanley Cup finals vs. the Black Hawks.

Time does have a way of passing so quickly. My niece attended her junior prom last month, my nephew his junior high (do they still call them junior highs?) semi-formal (both more successful with members of their respective opposite sex than their Uncle Vito) and it seems like just yesterday that they were each newborns... With graduation season upon us: I graduated college twenty-five years ago (on the five-year plan,) high school thirty years ago (reunion coming up this fall) yet it feels like it was only a couple of years ago pledging (Jim Ford gave me my pledge pin, Jud Walton was my big brother,) parties, exchanges, Case Day and more at The Mu, being amply-served at The Pub by BDL, making the occasional trip over The Notch to South Hadley via Granby. Not many more years before that school sports practices and games and cruising the mean streets of Easton, hitting the power lines or Red Mill Road or somewhere to indulge in a few frosties, and more. (I probably should mention something about academics- I did graduate from high school and college. While neither was brain surgery some effort on my part wouldn't have hurt, either.) It doesn't seem all that long ago being a kid going off to North Easton Grammar School, playing up at Frothingham Park, family cookouts... None of it feels like 25, 30, 40 or more years ago.

And it's not about living in the past, tho' I sometimes have a tendency to do so; the cancer thing notwithstanding things are OK overall today, and there is something to be said for being a reasonably responsible- if not necessarily mature- adult. But sometimes it does all make me catch my breath and wonder "Whew, where did the time go?"

Seems somewhat apropos (especially the sex part...)

6.02.13

Summertime and the living is easy- a nice stretch of early summer heat we've had around here the past few days, sweet. And a good win by the Bruins last night to start off the Eastern Conference finals...

I had another CT scan a couple of weeks ago and received the results last week- about as expected. There were no new tumors on my liver, and no spread to any other organs; the existing tumors had increased in size, indicating some increased progression, or at least increased activity. Relatively speaking this was/is ok, as I am 2+ years into this now, and I had been off of any treatment for about a month and a half at that time. Being off of treatment wasn't bad, as my red counts and energy levels rose again; I've had some of the best runs and workouts I'd had since January. Still not where they should be, where I want them to be, but getting back there. I resume treatment tomorrow. We had planned/hoped to have me participate in a clinical trial being run through BIDMC as my next option but from what I understand the parameters of the trial had changed and I was/am currently ineligible. What my oncologist recommended as my next option instead was revisiting my initial treatment regimen (FOLFOX) and adding bevacizumab (try saying that three times fast) to it.

FOLFOX is an approximately 4.5 hour infusion process at the clinic, followed by a 46 hour infusion administered via a take-home pump (looks like I'm carrying around a rather unattractive purse for two days) which then gets disconnected. Treatment will be every other week. I had tolerated FOLFOX quite well previously, the worst side effects being some neuropathy in my fingertips and toes, and a six-day or so sensitivity immediately following treatment to anything cold; makes touching, eating, or drinking anything cold uncomfortable until the effect wears off (no cold beer dammit. Am I going to have to drink wine for a week??) I haven't been given bevacizumab before- as with any treatment there are potential side effects but hopefully they will be as mild/I will tolerate them as well as others previously.

Hopefully this will be effective in knocking back, or at least stabilizing, things again for awhile.

5.19.13

It's been said and written that life, um, altering events change people. I've been giving this some thought recently. While perhaps it's better to let others judge on that score (To see ourselves as others see us... to quote Robert Burns) from my perspective I really don't see how I've changed, how my illness, diagnosis, and prognosis has really changed me or how I've conducted my life these past two or so years. I feel like I'm pretty much the same person I was two, five, ten years ago. I don't believe I've become angry or bitter or despondent. Perhaps I've become somewhat more, I'm not sure introspective is the right word but perhaps aware, of myself, others, the world around me. I don't believe that I've become all that more outgoing, gregarious, risk-taking, or warm and fuzzy (two words seldom equated with Vito) either- again, I should probably leave that for others to decide. I do think that I've developed a better appreciation for the people around me, and I know that I've been struck- and humbled- by the countless, and undeserved, expressions and acts of interest, kindness, and consideration I've been blessed to have received from so many good people. I think I'm a different person than I was 15, 20, 30 years ago but I like to chalk that up to- much delayed- maturity. But traits and habits are hard to change, they die hard (perhaps I should rephrase that.) By nature I tend to be somewhat cautious and reserved, I don't often leap without looking... and looking... and looking some more (add several cold adult beverages to the mix however and all bets are off.) I'm not sure if those are good things or not; certainly they protect from harm, but at what costs lost? Many people I know, from all of my walks of life, are more outgoing and open than I; a few are more quiet and closed. Is one better than the other? Probably the former- it likely creates more opportunities- and personally I wouldn't mind being that way, more outgoing (what am I waiting for?!) but changing who and how we are is difficult, it can be uncomfortable and unsettling, not only to oneself but to people around you, people who are used to who and how we are.

Awww hell, maybe I just think too much... Go Bruins!

 



5.12.13

Two years.

Still feeling bulletproof (with assistance from some truly talented healthcare professionals.)

Fuck cancer.

4.30.13

A little introspective this evening...

One thought or theme I've continued to revisit over the last couple of years is forgiveness; my forgiveness of others, others' forgiveness of me, forgiveness from God, self-forgiveness. The first has been and is the easiest. I've been blessed to have been surrounded by great people in all of my walks of life; it's not as if I've suffered greatly from anyone but even in instances where people may have wronged me, hurt me, whatever, I bear no grudges toward anyone, harbor no anger toward anyone. Being cognizant of my own many faults and failings, past and present, has helped make it easy for me to accept and forgive occasional faults and failings of others. As for others' forgiveness of me I am aware of- most- of the harm and wrong I may have caused others over the years. If possible I've tried to make amends for, or at the very least apologize to, those that I've hurt or harmed. Where that hasn't been possible I've tried (with varying degrees of success) to adopt a pay-it-forward mindset, trying to do better by people in my life now to, in hopefully some way, make up for times past when I didn't do as well by people and cannot make that up to them now. If nothing else I hope that, as time has passed, I, and any bad behavior on my part, are irrelevent to others today. And I received absolution roughly two years ago prior to undergoing surgery which, if you believe in it, should have set me kind of right with God (So I got that goin' for me, which is nice... to quote Carl Spackler!) I haven't been to confession since but I do get to mass at least a few times each month so, again, hopefully I'm at least ok on that score.

Self-forgiveness... well, that's been a bit more difficult. I had someone comment to me recently: I think you can flog yourself with the best of them. I don't know if I'd say that. I am aware of my many faults, failings, etc... in so many aspects of my life; things that I've done wrong and, just as much, things that I've failed to do right. I do realize that we all have our faults, our failings; I'm not unique. Where I have difficulty is in the moving forward from part; I have the mindset that moving on from- forgiving- myself, absent specifically correcting and/or making amends for past missteps, mistakes- sins- is tantamount to abrogating responsibility for them, to dismissing them, to letting myself off the hook without having made things right. And where I'm likely looking at a shorter window of opportunity to make things right it can be frustrating to not be able to develop that self-forgiveness, to create a better sense of personal peace. I commend those who are able to do so.

I'm the only one who can do that for me.

4.18.13

Not a whole lot to say about the Marathon bombing this past Monday; there is a host of informed, eloquent, and heartfelt commentary to be had. Thoughts and, as possible, assistance and support should go to the victims of this attack, and to their loved ones. And credit to and appreciation for the efforts of all who have and continue to help in the aftermath: first responders of all stripes, medical personnel at the scene and at the many local hospitals, police and all law enforcement and investigatory personnel who brought order to chaos, secured the crime scene, and are now sifting through evidence and seeking those responsible for the attack to bring them to face justice. Beyond that just a few thoughts... Besides being incredibly cowardly, individuals who commit such acts are also incredibly stupid; do they believe that attacks of this sort, where innocent people are killed and maimed, will engender any widespread support for whatever their dubious cause may be? Any sympathy for their perceived grievances, any legitimacy to their cause, vanishes with acts such as these. But again, while they may possess the technical and logistical know-how to carry out such acts they apparently lack the intellect to comprehend how their acts will be perceived by whatever audience they are hoping to sway... In a free and open society as ours fortunately is acts of this sort are impossible to thwart 100%, 100% of the time. Individuals bent on mayhem will, unfortunately, find a way to act upon those impulses if they truly desire to. It is one of the costs of freedom. Outside of drastically curtailing our freedoms the best we can do is keep our eyes and ears open to those around us, take seriously the issues those around us may face and try to help them or try to find them help, and/or report disturbing behavior to appropriate officials. Actually it's not a bad thing to try and help people period... Lastly, while I suppose it is inevitable it is nevertheless maddening that the ones remembered most from these incidents are the perpertrators, not their victims. Outside of family, friends, perhaps their local community or circle in time the names Martin Richard, Krystle Campbell, Lingzi Lu, as well as the 170+ others injured, or the scores of those who helped and are helping the victims as well as seeking those responsible will be all but forgotten while the names of the perp/s will be infamously memorialized. I realize it is the nature of such things, but it is a shame.

God bless the victims and their loved ones.

3.30.13

Dammit.

Over the last two months or so I've noticed that my running and cardio workouts have been a helluva lot more difficult to push thru and complete, particularly with the same pace and/or intensity that I had been doing. I thought some of it might just have been the winter weather and all getting to me, or simply that I was slacking off and needed to step it up a bit again. I found out the culprit this week. Fortunately it is not the cancer itself that was/is causing it but it is a result of my current treatment regimen. Basically, and without getting too technical, my red cell counts have decreased markedly since late January, which correlates exactly with when I started this current regimen (irinotecan added to cetuximab.) Normal levels of two relevant indicators (trust me on the numbers) are between 14.0-18.0 for one, 40-52 for the other; throughout my treatment my counts have been well within those ranges; as recently as 1/23/13 (measured just before beginning this current regimen) they were 14.6 and 44 respectively. As of this past Wednesday they were 11.8 and 33.7 respectively. It is similar to anemia, in fact it is sometimes called chemo-induced anemia. The reason it has affected my running and cardio endurance is that it causes less oxygen to be available to cells within the body, which reduces efficiency aerobically. I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do to improve this. I eat a healthy and well-rounded diet, I take numerous supplements (dietary and energy), etc... And the red cell counts are not low enough where they require any transfusions or that they affect my treatment. Nor does it affect my daily activity and such; it's not like I'm bed-ridden or can't get out of my way or those sorts of things- overall my energy is ok. And working out my lifts are still good but again it is the cardio work, and my morning runs, which are suffering. It makes me feel like a quitter, like I'm giving in. And that is very, very frustrating.

I realize that effectively treating the cancer, keeping it stable/at bay, is the most important thing. My oncologist wants to get as much benefit out of this current regimen as we can while it still has some effect, which makes sense. Hopefully if/when we need to make a change that change will have less impact upon my red counts, that they will increase and my aerobic endurance will follow suit. I'm not complaining; for being close to two years in and to have this have been (so far) the worst effect, well, that's not bad, considering... But it is frustrating to not be able to accomplish what I previously had been able to. Perhaps I need to motivate myself harder/work harder to push on thru.

Happy Easter!

3.14.13

Some Dos and Donts picked up over the years. Nothing especially original or earth-shattering, and I imagine most people reading this have already figured most of them out. But maybe one or two will strike a chord; Lord knows it's taken me long enough to figure 'em out. Anyone who wishes to, feel free to add your own!
(I was going to say Do sign Wes Welker, but... Dammit.)

Don't be an asshole. Should go without saying. And I mean a real asshole, not just putting up a front as one (B. Bobby Badd.) I've been a real one, and it doesn't get you anywhere. Don't do it.

Do smile. People like it.

Do be sincere. Don't be pretentious. (Hopefully this blog has come off more as the former and less as the latter.)

Do be responsible. Don't be risk-averse. Responsible is good, honoring commitments and obligations and such is good. Being bound by that responsibility to the point of avoiding any and all risks is not good; it limits opportunities for learning, growth, possible success, and fulfillment.

Similarly, don't be afraid to make mistakes. Do learn from them. Too often I've tried to avoid mistakes and, as often, when I've made them I haven't learned from them. Or learned too late.

Do believe in something. Be it a cause, a philosophy, a faith, something. And do make sure that it is deserving of that belief.

Don't be selfish. Do be true to yourself. There is a difference. Life should never be only about us, what's in it for us, what makes us alone happy. It should be about others as well as ourselves. But if we're not true to ourselves, our true values, beliefs, interests, etc... we're never going to be truly happy. By not doing so we make ourselves miserable and, more often than not, we make those around us miserable as well. Whether it's William Shakespeare's To thine own self be true... or Lionel Richie's Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be... we're seldom happy when we try to fake it.

Don't listen to My Way before an oncologist appointment!

Do find something to be enthusiastic about. Whether it is a relationship, a sport or fitness activity of some sort, a team (Go Pats!) art, literature, a cause, hell, even a TV show (do make sure it's a good one!) Something that fires you up.

Whenever possible, do order linguica pizza.

Don't stop learning.

Do say please and thank you. Small words but they mean a lot.

Do tip. Ideally well. Servers are often over-worked and underpaid; a good tip can make their shift. (And you never know what will end up in your food or drink if you are known as a bad tipper!)

Do step outside of your comfort zone. It's something I haven't done often enough yet whenever I have the results have always been positive.

Don't take important things- health, wealth, opportunities, and most importantly people- for granted. We never know when they will be lost.

Don't stop believin'  (gratuitous Journey reference!)

3.07.13

Catching up...

I've had a few people ask why I haven't kept in better touch, etc... regarding "this." Well, there's not a whole lot new going on with it right now, things still seem to be status quo for now, which overall is good (I do have yet another CT scan scheduled for later this month- I'm going to be glowing in the dark pretty soon- so we'll see what things are looking like inside.) Plus after awhile this cancer stuff gets boring; it's boring for me, it has to be boring for others. No one wants to come across as bothersome or a self-absorbed pain in the ass. And where things still seem to be status quo there haven't been any especially new insights or thoughts to share; just keep trying to be a positive, and hopefully a better, person each day. Still feeling well, still doing any/everything that I have been. No complaints.

Beyond that just taking care of business. I'll be glad to see spring this year, not the best of winters, pretty damn windy and cold, and snow the past month or so (including today dammit.) I've never been a skating/skiing/snowboarding enthusiast (give me basketball in a warm, dry gym) and I don't need cold either (one January spent in an unheated- and condemned- Mu was enough. Closing time at The Pub was a necessity that month... but it did allow me the title of The Last Man To Live In The Mu, 14 Elm St. Edition.)

And to think some people leave Florida for this...

2.20.13

People talk about battling cancer. Perhaps this is true for some. I don't feel as if I'm battling anything, in that there doesn't seem to be anything that I am doing- anything that I can do- to battle, to beat, the cancer.

I've had people tell me that my working out, maintaining a healthy diet and all is doing something. To me it's just doing what I've been doing for years, long before any of this began. I suppose it keeps me reasonably healthy and strong so that I'm less apt to catch or experience any additional adverse illnesses or 'plaints, and perhaps has enabled me to- thus far- tolerate the various treatment regimens I've undergone with little problems. But it apparently doesn't do anything to directly impact, to directly battle, to directly fight the cancer itself. The only "battle" I do re. the cancer itself is sitting in a Barcalounger once a week getting pumped full of poisons. A battle with boredom.

I suppose I've been fortunate so far in that I haven't any specific effects to battle. Closing in on two years (this May) I still feel perfectly well. I'm not in nor have I experienced any pain since the initial onset. I've experienced very few side effects from the- now- three different treatment regimens I've received- no nausea or anything, no pain, no fatigue to speak of (I take it slightly easy the day following treatment; by that I mean I don't go for a run or have a full workout- "active rest" they call it, walk 3-4 miles, perhaps do a lighter cardio session if I feel like it.) Though not bald my hair has thinned since beginning treatment. I'm more susceptible to sunburn, I've had some neuropathy in my fingertips and toes, and occasionally my face breaks out. Overall nothing to complain about. Certainly not a "battle."

It's said that one of the most maddening things for people is a sense of a lack of control, an inability to affect, alter, and change one's situation. That's what this is like- it is so very frustrating to be told, to know, that there is nothing within my own ability to improve this situation. I've compared it to other circumstances: for instance, if I had an injury, a doctor could repair it or set it, yet I could also work to improve and heal it by actively rehabbing it. Or if I had- what?- heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes; a doctor could prescribe meds, perhaps do surgery if necessary, but I could also undertake things to improve it, through diet, exercise, etc... There would be some sense, some measure, of personal control, of personal effort, to positively affect and improve the situation. But this...

In a previous entry I alluded to the fact that we've kind of sped through treatments faster than we would have liked or hoped. We're on third-line treatment now. For whatever reason/s my cancer has adapted somewhat more quickly to the various treatment regimens; they've lost their efficacy faster than hoped. I discussed this with my oncologist last month (the day after my birthday incidentally) and she concurred. I asked her what we're looking at and, well, she told me that she'd be surprised if we were having a conversation a year from then. (What's that old Henny Youngman line: My doctor gave me six months to live. I couldn't pay his bill, so he gave me another six months. Badda-bing.) She's an extremely competent professional whom I would recommend without any hesitation, and I'm being treated through an outstanding medical center. And today's appointment went alright; my CEA # went down 25 pts., so at the very least things are stable from last month, no progression. And we will be considering a couple of other things in the coming month or so; a phase 1 trial involving immunotherapy that she believes I may qualify for- I get to be a guinea pig- there is also a form of treatment called chemoembolization that BIDMC offers that may also be worth considering. And there are a couple of more-standard chemo drugs that I haven't yet used, and one that I did that we might revisit.

I'm not really sure of the end game. I'm not there yet. Nothing is imminent, but it's like having the Sword of Damocles hanging over me. I guess I sort of understand how convicts on Death Row feel, wondering when appeals will be exhausted and sentence carried out... except that they are there for a reason. From everything that my docs have told me I did nothing to bring this on, there's no family history of colon cancer, etc... Apparently just an unfortunate quirk of genetics.

Not the most uplifting of entries I realize; hey, blame it on the weather, it's been a tough winter.

2.13.13

I know, I often quote from the world of sports. I'm not ignorant of wisdom from other sources- music, film, literature, philosophy, religion- but in many ways sports just speak to me.

There is a lot of truth to that statement, far beyond hockey and sports. There are some people who are very good at this, at taking their shots at something different, something challenging, something outside of their comfort zone, at something new, changing their tried-and-true; my sister is very good at this. Most folks I know are reasonably adept at this. It is a mindset that I truly hope my niece and nephew adopt. Me? Often not so much.

In my life, though there have been some areas where I have taken my shots as it were - hit and miss- owing perhaps to my generally more cautious, conservative, risk-averse nature I've tended to not take many of those shots, those risks, seemingly preferring instead to ensure that I didn't miss, didn't fail, at the cost of shooting unsuccessfully. In hindsight clearly not the best course of action (or more appropriately, inaction) and I do realize and live with the facts that I allowed myself to miss out on many- potential- hits from the shots that I chose not to take. This is particularly true career-wise (both in terms of what I chose to study in and what I chose to pursue post-college) and, I suppose, relationship-wise.  While I have become somewhat better at this- I have tended to be less risk-averse than I was, and this began prior to my current health issues- it is something that I struggle with still. You might think that, given my health issues and my clock ticking a bit faster that I'd be willing to throw all- well, many; ok, some- cautions to the wind. But I'm still not- yet- wired that way.

To quote Michael Corleone (see? I can quote from film, too!) I'll change; I'll change. I've learned that I have the strength to change (OK, maybe not the best example, as he didn't.) There's a theory called the 21 Day Rule that posits that habits can be created, or changed, in as little as 21 days given that: We are what we repeatedly do- Aristotle (philosophy too- you're a real Renaissance Man Vito!) Perhaps being less risk-averse, perhaps taking, and maybe even making, a few more shots, perhaps altering my existing and creating new habits is something positive that I can work on this Lenten Season (Ash Wednesday today folks.)

Hey, it beats giving up alcohol for Lent!

1.24.13

This one: The Pilgrim: Chapter 33 has often spoken to me over the years; worth a listen. Kristofferson is a talented wordsmith.

I received a very nice note from a high school classmate the other night (I won't embarrass you by name here.) It was totally unexpected, quite touching, meant a lot, and was/is greatly appreciated. It definitely brought that smile to my face that you wanted to see! Thank you.

Still smarting from that Pats loss Sunday. Again, how can you expect to win when you do absolutely nothing for an entire half of championship football? Now we get two weeks of the Harbaugh family and Ray Lewis. Damn... And the Celtics have been hitting the skids of late so hopefully the Bruins will continue to pick up the slack.

Well, my most recent CT scan didn't turn out quite as well as hoped. While there is- still- no spread to any other organs the existing tumors have, once again, grown in size. My oncologist tweaked my regimen a bit, added a drug she had briefly had me on to the current regimen (irinotecan and Cetuximab, for those keeping score!) perhaps together they will have a synergistic effect and knock things back down again for awhile. The dilemma we're beginning to reach is that there aren't all that many colon cancer-specific regimens remaining; for whatever reasons/s my tumors have responded well to treatments for a while but the treatments seem to have lost their effectiveness a little faster than expected/hoped. There are still a couple of things left, as well as experimental/trial things as well. On the positive side I still feel perfectly healthy, perfectly well, and except for the growth of the tumors themselves everything else still seems to be working/operating normally. So we just keep on keepin' on...

By the way- has anyone else around here noticed? It's been a little nippy the past couple of days.

1.16.13

Great win by the Pats Sunday! Key players banged up again (Gronk, Woodhead) but guys just stepped up (outstanding game by Shane Vereen) and the Pats overwhelmed the Texans. Again. It should be some battle Sunday in Foxboro vs. the Ravens- Joe Flacco impressed me last week, making some exceptional throws- but you have to like the Pats in this one: home field, better depth, better/more experienced QB, younger defense; I'm looking forward to it. That Ravens-Broncos game last week was one of the best games I've seen in awhile, tho'. Just great football.

Well, my CEA # went up about 35-40 points over the last two weeks. That was on top of an increase throughout December, bringing it from a low of 34 up to- currently- 122. As such my oncologist has scheduled another CT scan to take a peek inside, see if the jump in # correlates with any action on the part of the tumors. We shall see. I know it sounds like a broken record but- knock on wood- I still feel perfectly well. I've been fortunate thus far not to have experienced any, um, gastrointestinal problems from treatment and all, and fatigue has truly been a non-issue; I generally take it a little easier the day immediately following treatment because my docs kind of recommend it but apart from that day I'm still running (have had to use the treadmill at the gym a little more so far this season as it's been kind of icy, and cold; I prefer outdoor running) and working out with decent intensity (could always step it up, tho'.) But increasingly it is all starting to seem like a mind-fuck. If it weren't for the knowledge that something is quite wrong inside of me I would have no idea, in that physical symptoms and such have- mercifully to date- been non-existent. But that knowledge is there, I can't ignore it. And I know that I've said it countless times, but the most maddening aspect of this whole thing is the utter lack of control I have over it, to affect it, to improve the outcome. No matter how healthy I ate/eat, no matter how many supplements I take, no matter how hard I work out, the only thing that has any actual impact upon thwarting the cancer itself are the poisons I passively get pumped into my system once a week.

I'd be lying if I said this coming year doesn't have me a bit apprehensive. Back right after my surgeries and when I was first diagnosed I asked my oncologist what the likely outlook was and she told me that the median prognosis with treatment was slightly over two years. That was in May '11. You can do the math. I fully realize that is an average, based upon thousands of similar cases, and that each case is unique. Likewise the CEA thing is just a number. While I don't believe that I obsess over them, they are relevant. I don't believe that it is unusual to be aware of that clock of a prognosis ticking a bit in the back of my mind. I did revisit that outlook with my onc last summer and she seemed to think that, given how I'd responded to that point things were looking relatively good. (An aside- I came across this article the other day: Why can’t doctors tell cancer patients the truth?  Interesting. To the best of my knowledge my med people have been forthright and honest. And again, fortunately symptoms and side effects have been negligible to date.) So if I'm still here boring you folks come September or so I'll have at least beaten that initial prognosis.

And sometimes it is all-too-easy for me to ignore that ticking clock, which isn't good, either. My time- all of our time- is finite. And at times, even with the knowledge that I'm on the clock, it still becomes too easy to slip into the old, the comfortable, to not live with the sense of urgency, of intensity that I, and I would think many/most of us, would prefer. I don't think I'm what anyone would call a free spirit (no kidding, Vito) and I make no apologies for not being one. Being predictable, being responsible- those are good things. But there is a difference between being responsible and being repressed; as with most things the challenge is in finding the balance between the two. Or attacking vs. sitting in the foxhole, to paraphrase Bill Belichick. There are things that I still wish to do, experience, and attempt to achieve, while hopefully helping others along the way.
Something I still need to work on...

Go Pats!