"You can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf."
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
I came across that quote in a book Big Ed Reid had recommended (Delivering Happiness: A Path To Profits, Passion, And Purpose, Tony Hsieh.) Yeah, it sounds a little New-Agey but its one of those quotes you read and it really stops you in your tracks and makes you ponder it; at least it did for me. For much of my life I've tried, in ways large and small, to bend the world to my will, with the- predictably- poor results; part of my control freak thing, the belief that I can control whatever I want to solely through my own effort. It's a lesson many have probably learned long ago. Cancer has taught me that it is false. Jack Nicholson, as Frank Costello in The Departed said "I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me..." but it doesn't quite work that way (look at how he ended up.) It's like pounding one's head against a wall- the wall isn't going to give. I don't believe it is admitting defeat as much as acknowledging reality when saying that it doesn't work. And it doesn't mean giving up and simply meandering whichever way the tide flows. It is, or at least should be, about using that force, those waves, to power one's life in a purposeful, rewarding, and hopefully enjoyable, direction, utilizing one's talents, gifts, abilities, and attributes, learning and adapting not in opposition to but with that flow, riding it, contributing something of value and worth and purpose not only to one's own life but to those around us, and the larger world as well. Slowly but surely I'm trying to learn to surf!
On the health front I'm still feeling fine; my most recent doc and chemo appointments went well. The only thing I'm dealing with right now is some neuropathy, in my feet, toes, and especially fingertips (it's a result of one of the chemo drugs- Oxaliplatin- that my team had me on.) It should subside and improve over time as the effects from the drug fully work their way out of my system (it took awhile to build up to the point where I have the neuropathy, it'll take awhile to subside.) It is a pain in the ass- makes typing, tying laces, buttoning, opening things, lifting (grasping barbells/dumbbells) and the like challenging. But again, it should improve over time, and the benefits of the treatment exceed the costs for me -I'm still here, and feeling healthy.
(At the request of Drew Herrmann I've enabled comments; feel free to leave any if you wish.)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
2.12.11
Complacency.
This has been a sticking point for me recently. Due to my- fortunate- feelings of physical and mental well-being it has become too easy for me to slip into a sort of complacency in my life. Again- and I'm not complaining- but where I currently feel unaffected by my illness, where I'm able to do all of the things I had been able to do prior to being diagnosed, it has had the effect of- what?- lessening the sense of urgency to attack each and every day as if it were my last. And then not doing so, succumbing to that complacency, ends up pissing me off because I didn't attack the day with full gusto (haven't heard that one since the old Schlitz ads, have you?!) while I still have the health, the vitality, the ability to do so while knowing full well that I'm on the clock as it were. It's that knowledge- knowing that I'm on the clock- that ends up frustrating me when I haven't taken full advantage of each day.
I'm sure this isn't unique to me- I imagine many people look back, whether it be on the day or on the years, and recognize that they didn't endeavor to accomplish all that they had hoped to in that day, in those years. Too often it can be easy- and tempting- to think "I"ll get to it tomorrow," whatever it may be. I know that I've done that too often, past and even present. But there isn't always a tomorrow; whether one is stricken with an illness that they know will almost assuredly cause them an earlier death than imagined, or the proverbial bolt out of the blue (accident, assault, heart attack, etc...) time, and life, have to be seen as precious and taken full measure of, not squandered or wasted, especially by complacency. They're just too valuable not to be.
I know that I need to keep focused on that anyway.
This has been a sticking point for me recently. Due to my- fortunate- feelings of physical and mental well-being it has become too easy for me to slip into a sort of complacency in my life. Again- and I'm not complaining- but where I currently feel unaffected by my illness, where I'm able to do all of the things I had been able to do prior to being diagnosed, it has had the effect of- what?- lessening the sense of urgency to attack each and every day as if it were my last. And then not doing so, succumbing to that complacency, ends up pissing me off because I didn't attack the day with full gusto (haven't heard that one since the old Schlitz ads, have you?!) while I still have the health, the vitality, the ability to do so while knowing full well that I'm on the clock as it were. It's that knowledge- knowing that I'm on the clock- that ends up frustrating me when I haven't taken full advantage of each day.
I'm sure this isn't unique to me- I imagine many people look back, whether it be on the day or on the years, and recognize that they didn't endeavor to accomplish all that they had hoped to in that day, in those years. Too often it can be easy- and tempting- to think "I"ll get to it tomorrow," whatever it may be. I know that I've done that too often, past and even present. But there isn't always a tomorrow; whether one is stricken with an illness that they know will almost assuredly cause them an earlier death than imagined, or the proverbial bolt out of the blue (accident, assault, heart attack, etc...) time, and life, have to be seen as precious and taken full measure of, not squandered or wasted, especially by complacency. They're just too valuable not to be.
I know that I need to keep focused on that anyway.
Monday, February 6, 2012
2.06.12
I feel sick this morning.
No, not from the cancer, from the game last night. Very disappointing. The Patriots largely did what I thought they would need to do in order to win the game; effectively neutralize the Giants' rush which, on balance (the first rush on Brady resulting in the safety a notable exception) I thought they did- Brady mostly had sufficient time to throw, Benny and Woodhead had room to run. For the most part the secondary adequately contained the Giants' receivers, keeping them short-to-mid range between the red zones (with the exception of those few deeper ones to Manningham;) the Giants' receivers didn't scorch the secondary. The play of the Pats front seven was average. Offensively there was a decent mix between pass and run, though I thought the passing game wasn't at it's best (a few balls thrown behind receivers, Branch and Hernandez, Gronk too, had a couple of crucial drops, and obviously the drop by Welker, one that, if made, likely would have resulted in three, possibly six, points on the board; at the very least it would have helped chew clock deep in Giants' territory.) Special teams didn't give up any big plays. I thought the Pats seemed a bit flat throughout, seemed as if the Giants had a bit more spark, more energy. And yet it was an eminently winnable game- close, as many expected, but winnable.
A tough loss.
To quote Leo Duggan: "I'm drained."
No, not from the cancer, from the game last night. Very disappointing. The Patriots largely did what I thought they would need to do in order to win the game; effectively neutralize the Giants' rush which, on balance (the first rush on Brady resulting in the safety a notable exception) I thought they did- Brady mostly had sufficient time to throw, Benny and Woodhead had room to run. For the most part the secondary adequately contained the Giants' receivers, keeping them short-to-mid range between the red zones (with the exception of those few deeper ones to Manningham;) the Giants' receivers didn't scorch the secondary. The play of the Pats front seven was average. Offensively there was a decent mix between pass and run, though I thought the passing game wasn't at it's best (a few balls thrown behind receivers, Branch and Hernandez, Gronk too, had a couple of crucial drops, and obviously the drop by Welker, one that, if made, likely would have resulted in three, possibly six, points on the board; at the very least it would have helped chew clock deep in Giants' territory.) Special teams didn't give up any big plays. I thought the Pats seemed a bit flat throughout, seemed as if the Giants had a bit more spark, more energy. And yet it was an eminently winnable game- close, as many expected, but winnable.
A tough loss.
To quote Leo Duggan: "I'm drained."
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