This one: The Pilgrim: Chapter 33 has often spoken to me over the years; worth a listen. Kristofferson is a talented wordsmith.
I received a very nice note from a high school classmate the other night (I won't embarrass you by name here.) It was totally unexpected, quite touching, meant a lot, and was/is greatly appreciated. It definitely brought that smile to my face that you wanted to see! Thank you.
Still smarting from that Pats loss Sunday. Again, how can you expect to win when you do absolutely nothing for an entire half of championship football? Now we get two weeks of the Harbaugh family and Ray Lewis. Damn... And the Celtics have been hitting the skids of late so hopefully the Bruins will continue to pick up the slack.
Well, my most recent CT scan didn't turn out quite as well as hoped. While there is- still- no spread to any other organs the existing tumors have, once again, grown in size. My oncologist tweaked my regimen a bit, added a drug she had briefly had me on to the current regimen (irinotecan and Cetuximab, for those keeping score!) perhaps together they will have a synergistic effect and knock things back down again for awhile. The dilemma we're beginning to reach is that there aren't all that many colon cancer-specific regimens remaining; for whatever reasons/s my tumors have responded well to treatments for a while but the treatments seem to have lost their effectiveness a little faster than expected/hoped. There are still a couple of things left, as well as experimental/trial things as well. On the positive side I still feel perfectly healthy, perfectly well, and except for the growth of the tumors themselves everything else still seems to be working/operating normally. So we just keep on keepin' on...
By the way- has anyone else around here noticed? It's been a little nippy the past couple of days.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
1.16.13
Great win by the Pats Sunday! Key players banged up again (Gronk, Woodhead) but guys just stepped up (outstanding game by Shane Vereen) and the Pats overwhelmed the Texans. Again. It should be some battle Sunday in Foxboro vs. the Ravens- Joe Flacco impressed me last week, making some exceptional throws- but you have to like the Pats in this one: home field, better depth, better/more experienced QB, younger defense; I'm looking forward to it. That Ravens-Broncos game last week was one of the best games I've seen in awhile, tho'. Just great football.
Well, my CEA # went up about 35-40 points over the last two weeks. That was on top of an increase throughout December, bringing it from a low of 34 up to- currently- 122. As such my oncologist has scheduled another CT scan to take a peek inside, see if the jump in # correlates with any action on the part of the tumors. We shall see. I know it sounds like a broken record but- knock on wood- I still feel perfectly well. I've been fortunate thus far not to have experienced any, um, gastrointestinal problems from treatment and all, and fatigue has truly been a non-issue; I generally take it a little easier the day immediately following treatment because my docs kind of recommend it but apart from that day I'm still running (have had to use the treadmill at the gym a little more so far this season as it's been kind of icy, and cold; I prefer outdoor running) and working out with decent intensity (could always step it up, tho'.) But increasingly it is all starting to seem like a mind-fuck. If it weren't for the knowledge that something is quite wrong inside of me I would have no idea, in that physical symptoms and such have- mercifully to date- been non-existent. But that knowledge is there, I can't ignore it. And I know that I've said it countless times, but the most maddening aspect of this whole thing is the utter lack of control I have over it, to affect it, to improve the outcome. No matter how healthy I ate/eat, no matter how many supplements I take, no matter how hard I work out, the only thing that has any actual impact upon thwarting the cancer itself are the poisons I passively get pumped into my system once a week.
I'd be lying if I said this coming year doesn't have me a bit apprehensive. Back right after my surgeries and when I was first diagnosed I asked my oncologist what the likely outlook was and she told me that the median prognosis with treatment was slightly over two years. That was in May '11. You can do the math. I fully realize that is an average, based upon thousands of similar cases, and that each case is unique. Likewise the CEA thing is just a number. While I don't believe that I obsess over them, they are relevant. I don't believe that it is unusual to be aware of that clock of a prognosis ticking a bit in the back of my mind. I did revisit that outlook with my onc last summer and she seemed to think that, given how I'd responded to that point things were looking relatively good. (An aside- I came across this article the other day: Why can’t doctors tell cancer patients the truth? Interesting. To the best of my knowledge my med people have been forthright and honest. And again, fortunately symptoms and side effects have been negligible to date.) So if I'm still here boring you folks come September or so I'll have at least beaten that initial prognosis.
And sometimes it is all-too-easy for me to ignore that ticking clock, which isn't good, either. My time- all of our time- is finite. And at times, even with the knowledge that I'm on the clock, it still becomes too easy to slip into the old, the comfortable, to not live with the sense of urgency, of intensity that I, and I would think many/most of us, would prefer. I don't think I'm what anyone would call a free spirit (no kidding, Vito) and I make no apologies for not being one. Being predictable, being responsible- those are good things. But there is a difference between being responsible and being repressed; as with most things the challenge is in finding the balance between the two. Or attacking vs. sitting in the foxhole, to paraphrase Bill Belichick. There are things that I still wish to do, experience, and attempt to achieve, while hopefully helping others along the way.
Something I still need to work on...
Go Pats!
Well, my CEA # went up about 35-40 points over the last two weeks. That was on top of an increase throughout December, bringing it from a low of 34 up to- currently- 122. As such my oncologist has scheduled another CT scan to take a peek inside, see if the jump in # correlates with any action on the part of the tumors. We shall see. I know it sounds like a broken record but- knock on wood- I still feel perfectly well. I've been fortunate thus far not to have experienced any, um, gastrointestinal problems from treatment and all, and fatigue has truly been a non-issue; I generally take it a little easier the day immediately following treatment because my docs kind of recommend it but apart from that day I'm still running (have had to use the treadmill at the gym a little more so far this season as it's been kind of icy, and cold; I prefer outdoor running) and working out with decent intensity (could always step it up, tho'.) But increasingly it is all starting to seem like a mind-fuck. If it weren't for the knowledge that something is quite wrong inside of me I would have no idea, in that physical symptoms and such have- mercifully to date- been non-existent. But that knowledge is there, I can't ignore it. And I know that I've said it countless times, but the most maddening aspect of this whole thing is the utter lack of control I have over it, to affect it, to improve the outcome. No matter how healthy I ate/eat, no matter how many supplements I take, no matter how hard I work out, the only thing that has any actual impact upon thwarting the cancer itself are the poisons I passively get pumped into my system once a week.
I'd be lying if I said this coming year doesn't have me a bit apprehensive. Back right after my surgeries and when I was first diagnosed I asked my oncologist what the likely outlook was and she told me that the median prognosis with treatment was slightly over two years. That was in May '11. You can do the math. I fully realize that is an average, based upon thousands of similar cases, and that each case is unique. Likewise the CEA thing is just a number. While I don't believe that I obsess over them, they are relevant. I don't believe that it is unusual to be aware of that clock of a prognosis ticking a bit in the back of my mind. I did revisit that outlook with my onc last summer and she seemed to think that, given how I'd responded to that point things were looking relatively good. (An aside- I came across this article the other day: Why can’t doctors tell cancer patients the truth? Interesting. To the best of my knowledge my med people have been forthright and honest. And again, fortunately symptoms and side effects have been negligible to date.) So if I'm still here boring you folks come September or so I'll have at least beaten that initial prognosis.
And sometimes it is all-too-easy for me to ignore that ticking clock, which isn't good, either. My time- all of our time- is finite. And at times, even with the knowledge that I'm on the clock, it still becomes too easy to slip into the old, the comfortable, to not live with the sense of urgency, of intensity that I, and I would think many/most of us, would prefer. I don't think I'm what anyone would call a free spirit (no kidding, Vito) and I make no apologies for not being one. Being predictable, being responsible- those are good things. But there is a difference between being responsible and being repressed; as with most things the challenge is in finding the balance between the two. Or attacking vs. sitting in the foxhole, to paraphrase Bill Belichick. There are things that I still wish to do, experience, and attempt to achieve, while hopefully helping others along the way.
Something I still need to work on...
Go Pats!
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