2.20.13

People talk about battling cancer. Perhaps this is true for some. I don't feel as if I'm battling anything, in that there doesn't seem to be anything that I am doing- anything that I can do- to battle, to beat, the cancer.

I've had people tell me that my working out, maintaining a healthy diet and all is doing something. To me it's just doing what I've been doing for years, long before any of this began. I suppose it keeps me reasonably healthy and strong so that I'm less apt to catch or experience any additional adverse illnesses or 'plaints, and perhaps has enabled me to- thus far- tolerate the various treatment regimens I've undergone with little problems. But it apparently doesn't do anything to directly impact, to directly battle, to directly fight the cancer itself. The only "battle" I do re. the cancer itself is sitting in a Barcalounger once a week getting pumped full of poisons. A battle with boredom.

I suppose I've been fortunate so far in that I haven't any specific effects to battle. Closing in on two years (this May) I still feel perfectly well. I'm not in nor have I experienced any pain since the initial onset. I've experienced very few side effects from the- now- three different treatment regimens I've received- no nausea or anything, no pain, no fatigue to speak of (I take it slightly easy the day following treatment; by that I mean I don't go for a run or have a full workout- "active rest" they call it, walk 3-4 miles, perhaps do a lighter cardio session if I feel like it.) Though not bald my hair has thinned since beginning treatment. I'm more susceptible to sunburn, I've had some neuropathy in my fingertips and toes, and occasionally my face breaks out. Overall nothing to complain about. Certainly not a "battle."

It's said that one of the most maddening things for people is a sense of a lack of control, an inability to affect, alter, and change one's situation. That's what this is like- it is so very frustrating to be told, to know, that there is nothing within my own ability to improve this situation. I've compared it to other circumstances: for instance, if I had an injury, a doctor could repair it or set it, yet I could also work to improve and heal it by actively rehabbing it. Or if I had- what?- heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes; a doctor could prescribe meds, perhaps do surgery if necessary, but I could also undertake things to improve it, through diet, exercise, etc... There would be some sense, some measure, of personal control, of personal effort, to positively affect and improve the situation. But this...

In a previous entry I alluded to the fact that we've kind of sped through treatments faster than we would have liked or hoped. We're on third-line treatment now. For whatever reason/s my cancer has adapted somewhat more quickly to the various treatment regimens; they've lost their efficacy faster than hoped. I discussed this with my oncologist last month (the day after my birthday incidentally) and she concurred. I asked her what we're looking at and, well, she told me that she'd be surprised if we were having a conversation a year from then. (What's that old Henny Youngman line: My doctor gave me six months to live. I couldn't pay his bill, so he gave me another six months. Badda-bing.) She's an extremely competent professional whom I would recommend without any hesitation, and I'm being treated through an outstanding medical center. And today's appointment went alright; my CEA # went down 25 pts., so at the very least things are stable from last month, no progression. And we will be considering a couple of other things in the coming month or so; a phase 1 trial involving immunotherapy that she believes I may qualify for- I get to be a guinea pig- there is also a form of treatment called chemoembolization that BIDMC offers that may also be worth considering. And there are a couple of more-standard chemo drugs that I haven't yet used, and one that I did that we might revisit.

I'm not really sure of the end game. I'm not there yet. Nothing is imminent, but it's like having the Sword of Damocles hanging over me. I guess I sort of understand how convicts on Death Row feel, wondering when appeals will be exhausted and sentence carried out... except that they are there for a reason. From everything that my docs have told me I did nothing to bring this on, there's no family history of colon cancer, etc... Apparently just an unfortunate quirk of genetics.

Not the most uplifting of entries I realize; hey, blame it on the weather, it's been a tough winter.

2.13.13

I know, I often quote from the world of sports. I'm not ignorant of wisdom from other sources- music, film, literature, philosophy, religion- but in many ways sports just speak to me.

There is a lot of truth to that statement, far beyond hockey and sports. There are some people who are very good at this, at taking their shots at something different, something challenging, something outside of their comfort zone, at something new, changing their tried-and-true; my sister is very good at this. Most folks I know are reasonably adept at this. It is a mindset that I truly hope my niece and nephew adopt. Me? Often not so much.

In my life, though there have been some areas where I have taken my shots as it were - hit and miss- owing perhaps to my generally more cautious, conservative, risk-averse nature I've tended to not take many of those shots, those risks, seemingly preferring instead to ensure that I didn't miss, didn't fail, at the cost of shooting unsuccessfully. In hindsight clearly not the best course of action (or more appropriately, inaction) and I do realize and live with the facts that I allowed myself to miss out on many- potential- hits from the shots that I chose not to take. This is particularly true career-wise (both in terms of what I chose to study in and what I chose to pursue post-college) and, I suppose, relationship-wise.  While I have become somewhat better at this- I have tended to be less risk-averse than I was, and this began prior to my current health issues- it is something that I struggle with still. You might think that, given my health issues and my clock ticking a bit faster that I'd be willing to throw all- well, many; ok, some- cautions to the wind. But I'm still not- yet- wired that way.

To quote Michael Corleone (see? I can quote from film, too!) I'll change; I'll change. I've learned that I have the strength to change (OK, maybe not the best example, as he didn't.) There's a theory called the 21 Day Rule that posits that habits can be created, or changed, in as little as 21 days given that: We are what we repeatedly do- Aristotle (philosophy too- you're a real Renaissance Man Vito!) Perhaps being less risk-averse, perhaps taking, and maybe even making, a few more shots, perhaps altering my existing and creating new habits is something positive that I can work on this Lenten Season (Ash Wednesday today folks.)

Hey, it beats giving up alcohol for Lent!