I received news earlier today that a guy I worked with in college died, apparently by his own hand, and in a particularly gruesome manner. I don't believe I had seen or talked to him in probably twenty years or so but we hung out quite a bit while we were in college; a regular guy, a good guy. Obviously I don't know the circumstances surrounding his demise, what may have caused him to- apparently- take his life and in the manner he did. But if the accounts are true something somewhere along the way went very wrong; regardless of the circumstances it is a shame to think of the guy that I knew being as troubled, as desperate, as devoid of hope- or as angry- as apparently he was that he would do himself in, and in that manner. Perhaps it seemed the best option to him. But sad. Very sad.
A good friend recently wrote me the following: The message that I keep getting is to slow down, enjoy the moment, and appreciate the people in your life. So true. While I'm not necessarily seeking to slow down (yet!) two things I've increasingly been trying to do are to enjoy the moment, to try and take pleasure and find fulfillment as best I can in any particular moment, and most importantly to appreciate all of the people in my life; family, friends, acquaintances, and more. A kinder, gentler Vito? Maybe. It may sound sappy but it is both a blessing and an honor to have so many good people in my life; I hadn't always appreciated just how blessed and honored I was. People- and life- are more precious, more fleeting, than I sometimes realized, worthy of the time and effort to embrace and to revel in them as best I can. As my football coach used to say: "You never know when it's gonna end."
I love you guys- now get out of here... (another Jim Mitchellism.)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
8.14.11
"Ultimately, faith is a walk- a journey toward greater understanding."
- George W. Bush, Decision Points (I'm currently reading this.)
I'm not an especially church-going person. If I attend Mass six times a year that's a lot (though I did receive absolution back before I had my first surgery in May so I got that goin' for me, which is nice, to quote the inestimable Carl Spackler!) On occasion I will stop into a church if I have the time and inclination for a bit of reflection, meditation, to offer prayers for others, to simply sit in the silence and solitude. I do pray most every night before bed. I believe in the existence of God and I try to live my life according to Christian principles (sometimes better than other times) but the practice of religion doesn't play a major role in my day-to-day life. It didn't before I got sick and it really hasn't since being diagnosed. I don't say that to be condescending toward those who do; I respect their commitment, their faith. I've had several people offer prayers for me recently, which is obviously appreciated. Being confronted with a sudden, unexpected, and quite serious illness has given me- would seem to give many people- pause to consider their faith, God, an afterlife, etc...
Like anyone I've had my share of ups and downs, successes and setbacks, delights and disappointments. In terms of the negatives, while they're obviously not enjoyable I've tended to view them as parts of life, no better or worse than most peoples'. But to have something such as this come totally out of the blue it is difficult to make sense of it, to easily accept it as that's life. I'd been told that God doesn't judge or punish us in this life, part of the whole freewill/repentance/redemption thing. However this recent diagnosis has me feeling at times as if God is punishing me- now- for some transgression, some sin, something...
Yet there are also many people who are struck down with illness seemingly for no cause or reason. The six year old daughter of one of my fraternity brothers passed away last December after a lengthy battle with cancer- she certainly never hurt anyone, did anything wrong, she didn't earn or deserve her illness, her fate. And the converse is true as well- there are many people who commit vile, evil deeds yet lead long, healthy, many times productive and prosperous lives. Getting back to the faith aspect; do these things make God an aloof, capricious Being, playing us for saps? Are we saps for being believers? Is religion, is faith simply a crutch, a way to give the illusion of meaning to randomness?
In a way this parallels my for every effect there is a cause/for every question there is an answer thing. To my mind there ought to be at least some discernible reason as to why things happen. Or to why innocent, or at least relatively harmless or benign, people suffer while many who aren't as innocent, harmless, or benign often do not.
I wish I could find some definitive answer, some meaning, some understanding. I suppose I'll have to be content with faith.
- George W. Bush, Decision Points (I'm currently reading this.)
I'm not an especially church-going person. If I attend Mass six times a year that's a lot (though I did receive absolution back before I had my first surgery in May so I got that goin' for me, which is nice, to quote the inestimable Carl Spackler!) On occasion I will stop into a church if I have the time and inclination for a bit of reflection, meditation, to offer prayers for others, to simply sit in the silence and solitude. I do pray most every night before bed. I believe in the existence of God and I try to live my life according to Christian principles (sometimes better than other times) but the practice of religion doesn't play a major role in my day-to-day life. It didn't before I got sick and it really hasn't since being diagnosed. I don't say that to be condescending toward those who do; I respect their commitment, their faith. I've had several people offer prayers for me recently, which is obviously appreciated. Being confronted with a sudden, unexpected, and quite serious illness has given me- would seem to give many people- pause to consider their faith, God, an afterlife, etc...
Like anyone I've had my share of ups and downs, successes and setbacks, delights and disappointments. In terms of the negatives, while they're obviously not enjoyable I've tended to view them as parts of life, no better or worse than most peoples'. But to have something such as this come totally out of the blue it is difficult to make sense of it, to easily accept it as that's life. I'd been told that God doesn't judge or punish us in this life, part of the whole freewill/repentance/redemption thing. However this recent diagnosis has me feeling at times as if God is punishing me- now- for some transgression, some sin, something...
Yet there are also many people who are struck down with illness seemingly for no cause or reason. The six year old daughter of one of my fraternity brothers passed away last December after a lengthy battle with cancer- she certainly never hurt anyone, did anything wrong, she didn't earn or deserve her illness, her fate. And the converse is true as well- there are many people who commit vile, evil deeds yet lead long, healthy, many times productive and prosperous lives. Getting back to the faith aspect; do these things make God an aloof, capricious Being, playing us for saps? Are we saps for being believers? Is religion, is faith simply a crutch, a way to give the illusion of meaning to randomness?
In a way this parallels my for every effect there is a cause/for every question there is an answer thing. To my mind there ought to be at least some discernible reason as to why things happen. Or to why innocent, or at least relatively harmless or benign, people suffer while many who aren't as innocent, harmless, or benign often do not.
I wish I could find some definitive answer, some meaning, some understanding. I suppose I'll have to be content with faith.
Monday, August 1, 2011
8.01.11
Guilt. Regret. Two things I've been dealing with since I was diagnosed with cancer a little over two months ago.
Guilt. Guilt over what all of this is doing to people I care for and about very much, the worry, the fear, the inconvenience this has put, is putting, and will put upon them because of me. First and foremost my mom; at her age she doesn't need any new, or added, troubles or difficulties in her life, certainly nothing of this magnitude. She's had- and has- health issues of her own, she doesn't need mine. In addition to my illness she has concerns and worries about my sister-in-law's health (she was diagnosed with- and has been undergoing treatment for- breast cancer since late last year) and the stress that is putting on their family. And my brother, who has enough on his plate dealing with his wife's illness, trying to keep things relatively even-keeled with their kids as well as with his job, life, etc... as well as worries about our mom's health. The last thing he and they needed- especially right now- was for me to also become ill. And my sister as well, having to travel to Massachusetts from her home in the Caribbean on short notice, twice; once for me, once for my mom's recent illness (which I wasn't able to fully manage because of my medical issues.) The stress on her- worries about our mom as well as me, as well as the work and financial stresses of having to fly up here on such short notice... Had I not gotten sick this would have been one less stress on my mom, my brother would only have to worry about his wife's condition, and I would have been able to handle things fully re. my mom so that my sister wouldn't have had to have done so. The facts that I didn't ask to get sick and that- apparently- I did nothing to bring on my illness do little-to-nothing to ease the tremendous guilt I feel for the stress and worry I'm putting on/adding to my family. They don't deserve it.
Regret. What's the line from My Way: "Regrets, I've had a few... ?" I have a few. Some of them I've alluded to previously, mostly related to how I treated many people in the past. But with perhaps one other exception most of my regrets are along the lines of the Mark Twain quote: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do." Disappointment, regret over things that I didn't do, didn't pursue- academically, athletically, career-wise, relationship-wise, interests, travel, more- than over (most) things that I did do, including things I did that were screw-ups. And now to be looking at what appears to be a time-shortened window of opportunity to pursue/do many of those things...
The challenge is to if not eliminate at least ameliorate the guilt and the regret. I suppose it's easier to work on the regret. I can't change the past, I can't have a do-over but I can make better effort at not adding to my regrets, I can more fully pursue things that are of importance to and that bring some personal fulfillment to myself and to others, endeavor to, as much as possible, not be disappointed in twenty years- or twenty months- by the things that I didn't try, didn't do, didn't pursue, to make better effort to hit each day at full speed while I still have time and health to try and do so. More difficult will be trying to deal with or lessen the guilt. Short of a miraculous cure this whole thing is going to continue to be stress and worry and inconvenience for those I care about regardless of how well I bear up. The fact that I didn't intend to bring this upon them (or upon anyone) provides little consolation...
I'm scheduled to begin chemo Wednesday.
Guilt. Guilt over what all of this is doing to people I care for and about very much, the worry, the fear, the inconvenience this has put, is putting, and will put upon them because of me. First and foremost my mom; at her age she doesn't need any new, or added, troubles or difficulties in her life, certainly nothing of this magnitude. She's had- and has- health issues of her own, she doesn't need mine. In addition to my illness she has concerns and worries about my sister-in-law's health (she was diagnosed with- and has been undergoing treatment for- breast cancer since late last year) and the stress that is putting on their family. And my brother, who has enough on his plate dealing with his wife's illness, trying to keep things relatively even-keeled with their kids as well as with his job, life, etc... as well as worries about our mom's health. The last thing he and they needed- especially right now- was for me to also become ill. And my sister as well, having to travel to Massachusetts from her home in the Caribbean on short notice, twice; once for me, once for my mom's recent illness (which I wasn't able to fully manage because of my medical issues.) The stress on her- worries about our mom as well as me, as well as the work and financial stresses of having to fly up here on such short notice... Had I not gotten sick this would have been one less stress on my mom, my brother would only have to worry about his wife's condition, and I would have been able to handle things fully re. my mom so that my sister wouldn't have had to have done so. The facts that I didn't ask to get sick and that- apparently- I did nothing to bring on my illness do little-to-nothing to ease the tremendous guilt I feel for the stress and worry I'm putting on/adding to my family. They don't deserve it.
Regret. What's the line from My Way: "Regrets, I've had a few... ?" I have a few. Some of them I've alluded to previously, mostly related to how I treated many people in the past. But with perhaps one other exception most of my regrets are along the lines of the Mark Twain quote: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do." Disappointment, regret over things that I didn't do, didn't pursue- academically, athletically, career-wise, relationship-wise, interests, travel, more- than over (most) things that I did do, including things I did that were screw-ups. And now to be looking at what appears to be a time-shortened window of opportunity to pursue/do many of those things...
The challenge is to if not eliminate at least ameliorate the guilt and the regret. I suppose it's easier to work on the regret. I can't change the past, I can't have a do-over but I can make better effort at not adding to my regrets, I can more fully pursue things that are of importance to and that bring some personal fulfillment to myself and to others, endeavor to, as much as possible, not be disappointed in twenty years- or twenty months- by the things that I didn't try, didn't do, didn't pursue, to make better effort to hit each day at full speed while I still have time and health to try and do so. More difficult will be trying to deal with or lessen the guilt. Short of a miraculous cure this whole thing is going to continue to be stress and worry and inconvenience for those I care about regardless of how well I bear up. The fact that I didn't intend to bring this upon them (or upon anyone) provides little consolation...
I'm scheduled to begin chemo Wednesday.
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