Well, my CEA # went up about 35-40 points over the last two weeks. That was on top of an increase throughout December, bringing it from a low of 34 up to- currently- 122. As such my oncologist has scheduled another CT scan to take a peek inside, see if the jump in # correlates with any action on the part of the tumors. We shall see. I know it sounds like a broken record but- knock on wood- I still feel perfectly well. I've been fortunate thus far not to have experienced any, um, gastrointestinal problems from treatment and all, and fatigue has truly been a non-issue; I generally take it a little easier the day immediately following treatment because my docs kind of recommend it but apart from that day I'm still running (have had to use the treadmill at the gym a little more so far this season as it's been kind of icy, and cold; I prefer outdoor running) and working out with decent intensity (could always step it up, tho'.) But increasingly it is all starting to seem like a mind-fuck. If it weren't for the knowledge that something is quite wrong inside of me I would have no idea, in that physical symptoms and such have- mercifully to date- been non-existent. But that knowledge is there, I can't ignore it. And I know that I've said it countless times, but the most maddening aspect of this whole thing is the utter lack of control I have over it, to affect it, to improve the outcome. No matter how healthy I ate/eat, no matter how many supplements I take, no matter how hard I work out, the only thing that has any actual impact upon thwarting the cancer itself are the poisons I passively get pumped into my system once a week.
I'd be lying if I said this coming year doesn't have me a bit apprehensive. Back right after my surgeries and when I was first diagnosed I asked my oncologist what the likely outlook was and she told me that the median prognosis with treatment was slightly over two years. That was in May '11. You can do the math. I fully realize that is an average, based upon thousands of similar cases, and that each case is unique. Likewise the CEA thing is just a number. While I don't believe that I obsess over them, they are relevant. I don't believe that it is unusual to be aware of that clock of a prognosis ticking a bit in the back of my mind. I did revisit that outlook with my onc last summer and she seemed to think that, given how I'd responded to that point things were looking relatively good. (An aside- I came across this article the other day: Why can’t doctors tell cancer patients the truth? Interesting. To the best of my knowledge my med people have been forthright and honest. And again, fortunately symptoms and side effects have been negligible to date.) So if I'm still here boring you folks come September or so I'll have at least beaten that initial prognosis.
And sometimes it is all-too-easy for me to ignore that ticking clock, which isn't good, either. My time- all of our time- is finite. And at times, even with the knowledge that I'm on the clock, it still becomes too easy to slip into the old, the comfortable, to not live with the sense of urgency, of intensity that I, and I would think many/most of us, would prefer. I don't think I'm what anyone would call a free spirit (no kidding, Vito) and I make no apologies for not being one. Being predictable, being responsible- those are good things. But there is a difference between being responsible and being repressed; as with most things the challenge is in finding the balance between the two. Or attacking vs. sitting in the foxhole, to paraphrase Bill Belichick. There are things that I still wish to do, experience, and attempt to achieve, while hopefully helping others along the way.
Something I still need to work on...
Go Pats!
No comments:
Post a Comment