9.20.13

Thinking back over the last 2+ years, while obviously I'd still prefer to be a healthy asshole(!) I can't help but think how this experience with cancer has affected- changed?- me as a person and how, to some extent (again, I'd still prefer to be cancer-free) in a curious way it has been a blessing of some sorts. First and foremost it has made me a more grateful, appreciative person, more than anything toward the truly wonderful and outstanding people providing me with excellent care (not to be morbid but I could already be gone; the median prognosis for folks w/ stage IV colon cancer was/is a little over 2 years, meaning 50% of patients are gone by that point. A little over 2 years in for me now the cancer still seems to be relatively stable, no new growths or spread as of yet, the existing tumors waning and waxing depending upon how they've responded to various treatment regimens, my lab results still come back pretty well, and most importantly I still feel perfectly well, still able to do most everything I was doing prior to all of this.) But just as much grateful and appreciative to all of the people in my various walks of life, grateful for and appreciative of each day.

What I guess I've been most surprised about is that this hasn't turned me into a totally bitter, angry, negative person. While I don't believe I've ever been excessively pessimistic I don't think anyone would have called me Vito Sunshine either. I suppose a diagnosis of the sort that I received could have turned me bitter, angry, and negative. If anything I believe that I've become a somewhat more pleasant, thoughtful, and in a strange way positive person than I may have been in the past (I still get pissed when the Pats lose, but... ) Admittedly much of this is likely due to the fact that I still feel well, neither the cancer nor the treatments have yet to significantly impact my day-to-day life (beyond the 3-4 hour time suck every other Wednesday for treatment. Boring more than anything.) But moreso I've just been more willing, more able, to not sweat the small stuff as much, a better sense of what is and what is not so important. Similarly, tho' there are many things to take seriously I've found that I take myself less seriously than perhaps I did before. And I believe that I've become more willing to give others the benefit of the doubt, cut more slack than previously I might have, more tolerant of and sympathetic toward others. Maybe all of that is simply due to me wanting to leave people with a decent impression, decent memory of me but it has been an interesting surprise. I still need to work on being less-reserved around people, still need to learn to forgive myself for having been hurtful toward people, as well as for squandered and/or unseized-upon opportunities; I still need to learn how to cut myself some slack, accept that I cannot change or undo the past, live in the moment as they say. I'm working at it.

I don't write any of this to give myself a pat on the back- I should have been this way years ago (except for the cancer ;) ) Rather, it's more of an observation, hopefully an illustrative one, that kind of hits on the notion that, while we often can't control all that happens to us we can control how we react/respond to what happens to us- negatively or positively, embittered or pleasant, with pessimism or optimism, resignation or renewal, angry over what we may not have or appreciating what we do have.

Exerting control over how we respond to life's challenges can be an empowering thing,

9.08.13

I attended my 30 year high school reunion last night- it was the first one I'd been to. I wasn't sure exactly what to expect- hopefully folks mostly milling around the bar, and I wasn't disappointed. (I don't think I or the guys that I showed up with strayed more than five feet from the bar the entire evening- small surprise.) Outside of maybe a half-dozen or so folks I probably hadn't seen most of them in thirty or so years; some I recognized instantly, others not so much- name tags are a good thing. Obviously we'd all aged in 30 years, some of us more than others; I believe we'd all had our share of ups and downs, successes and setbacks, opportunities and challenges, triumphs and tragedies, and have, or at last have tried, to make our way through them all.

A lot of the cliches about reunions seemed, to me at least, to be true. The passing of the years does tend to soften the rougher edges, the rivalries and romances and more, things that seemed so serious back then, are things we can laugh about now. The shared histories of growing up in the same town, attending the same school, do create a bond of sorts, a connectivity, one that, more often than not I failed to fully recognize and appreciate. Reconnecting is good; remembering the past (the good and the bad) while living in the present, sharing what has transpired in our lives over the years and what is going on today- marriages, divorces, children, careers, interests, and yeah, illnesses too- as well as remembering, and hopefully laughing about, our pasts, these are good things. I'm sure none of this is unique to the Oliver Ames Class of 1983.

I'd like to think the years- maturity maybe?- made me a little nicer and friendlier, less of a hardass, than I was back then (tho' I'm sure some folks probably thought "nah, Vito's still an asshole!") It was great to see and reconnect with so many truly wonderful people. I had an enjoyable time- thanks folks!

9.02.13

It was 30 years ago this weekend that I went out to Amherst to attend UMass; one of the better decisions of my life. Beyond the outstanding and affordable education (which I, sadly, did not always take full advantage of) I met some good people, had some great times (some of which I even remember) and made some truly great, lifelong friends.

The campus pond, studying at the Newman Center, tailgating at football games, lax games in the spring, BDL and Hunty's Southfork Ranch, The Pub, Barselotti's, Time Out, The Chequers (Kies' bar) horrifying the poor gals at Smith and Mt. Holyoke parties, making the trip over the Notch to Tony's and the Granby Legion, Friday afternoon videos and parties and exchanges at the Mu, and of course that big yellow house on Elm St., and the later house on N. Pleasant St...

UMass and Amherst were great places to spend my college years.