6.26.13

Thoughts while digesting the Aaron Hernandez arraignment...

Over the last couple of years I've had a few people ask me if I'm afraid of dying. I don't believe that I am. Either there is an afterlife of some sort (which I believe there is... and hopefully I'll end up in the good place!) or there is not- either way there is nothing I can do about it, and my demise will be no different from that of anyone else who has ever lived. I am somewhat apprehensive about what may lay in store leading up to that; while I've always had a fairly high threshold to/tolerance of pain obviously I don't wish to suffer. And worse, I do not wish to be a burden upon anyone if/when things deteriorate. I won't allow either of those things to happen.

I have many regrets but chief among them: the way I treated people in the past, and squandered/unrecognized/un-utilized opportunities. While I've tried to make amends for, or at least learn from, those obviously I can't- none of us can- change the past. In both cases as best I can I've tried to adopt a pay-it-forward mindset, with varying degrees of success. And with regrets too, at least for me, so often my regrets are more for the things that I didn't do, didn't pursue, didn't take a chance on as opposed to things that I did do that maybe didn't turn out as successfully as I'd have hoped. With few exceptions (if we've killed or maimed someone, or ourselves) the mistakes we've made, the things we did that, in hindsight, perhaps weren't the right or best of choices, are things that we can at least learn from and try not to repeat. But chances, choices, risks, opportunities that we don't make or take, the things we don't do or pursue, those may be the biggest regrets any of us can have, and if I could offer any advice to my niece and nephew- or any younger folks- it would be to avoid as much as possible the regret of what if.

And not so much a regret as a disappointment that, apparently, I'll be jumping off of this journey ahead of most everyone reading this, missing out on sharing many future experiences with family and friends. It's fascinating and rewarding to see how peoples' lives have evolved, the many events and experiences that bring us all to where we are today- schooling, sports and other interests and hobbies, careers, trips, relationships, marriages, children, all of the ups and, yes, the downs too... seeing how people have changed, and yet how they've also stayed the same. A shared history. It's also been rewarding to reconnect with people I had lost touch with over the years, to see and to share how the years have treated them, the competent, confident, flourishing adults that they have become. I've said it before, and it's one regret that I won't have; I've truly been blessed to have been surrounded by so many good people, in all of my walks of life.

(Edit: upon re-reading this it maybe makes things sound dire. I still feel well and, as far as I know, nothing adverse is imminent. No need to start that death pool just yet!)