At times I still get frustrated over the whole cancer thing. When this comes on I often think "Why is God doing this to me? Why is He punishing me in this way?" At those times I still can't help but think if it's some sort of punishment for any/all of my past sins, transgressions, failings, whatever.
But then I think of Charlotte.
Charlotte was the daughter of one of my fraternity brothers, a little girl who passed away from cancer at the age of six. I can't begin to imagine the sense of loss Jim and Janet felt and still must feel from her passing. I don't know what that has done to their faith. But when I get angry and think "Why am I being punished?" I think of Charlotte. That little girl did nothing to anyone, and she was stricken with cancer. She wasn't being punished for anything; there's nothing a little girl could have done to warrant any such punishment. Yet she had cancer, and succumbed to it. One- very reasonable- response to that might be that there is no rhyme or reason to anything, everything is simply random. Another might be anger, anger at what we're told is a benevolent Creator, yet one who seems to act with capriciousness- how could a benevolent God take away an innocent six year old? Yet if neither of those two provide a satisfactory answer the only other option I can see is that there is some reason, unfathomable to us, for such things, be it a little girl taken away, my sister-in-law, and my mother, recovering from cancers, or my own illness. Perhaps it's to send a message or lesson to others, I don't know... I believe there must be some reason to it all, unknown to me or to any of us. And if there is a Heaven (and I believe that there is) I am certain Charlotte is there, comfortable and at total peace. Hopefully that is the destiny of all of us.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
3.08.12
"The body can do great things if the mind will let it!"
- Greg Chapman
Yeah, I probably sound like a nitwit quoting Coach Chapman some 30+ years later, and that quote was usually uttered at the end of practice, doing sprints (slightly more erudite than the "C'mon, suck it up!" from Coach Duggan.) Nevertheless this Chapmanism came back to me the other day while I was undergoing chemo.
I feel great. I truly do. And I have since early July, including since beginning chemo treatment the beginning of August. Apart from the neuropathy (which makes typing these things out twice as long to do, dammit!) and the weeklong or so sensitivity to cold I experienced while on Oxaliplatin, I've had no side effects from the chemo. No hair loss, no fatigue or weakness, no nausea or similar effects, nothing. Except for the time spent going to and from as well as at the clinic twice every two weeks it really hasn't impacted my life at all, especially physically. As for the cancer itself, again, I currently feel fine. No pain, no odd or unusual symptoms- no symptoms really. I'm able to do all that I did prior to having surgeries and being diagnosed; run, lift, workout, eat what I want, drink (responsibly!) etc... My medical staff seems pleased, to the point where they sometimes give me more credit for how, apparently, well I'm doing than I think that I deserve. To me it simply seems as if I'm doing what I've always done, no big thing.
Where this fits in with the above quote is I was pondering how much mindset can help in, well, helping to enable us to adapt and keep trying to move forward and, hopefully, improve, in whatever ways. My diagnosis was, and is, serious; stage 4 colon cancer. Given the advanced stage of my illness (it had/has spread from the colon, from which they removed a tumor, to several metastases on my liver) it has been deemed incurable, hence my treatment is palliative, keeping the cancer and any symptoms at bay for as long as treatment is effective. I don't delude myself; it's pretty serious shit. Yet I feel so normal, so well. I've never considered myself all that much of a positive thinker or glass-is-always-half full type (I don't believe I'm an unnecessarily gloomy person, either) but for whatever reason/s I've been able to maintain a reasonably healthy- and positive- outlook on all of this. I was determined to get back to doing all that I normally did prior to this, especially physically, and did get back up to 7 miles/morning by last November, 45 mins of cardio/session, stronger on the weights, etc... and maintain a healthy diet and weight (even if a bit less than I was prior to this, and far less than I once was, which is a good thing!) I'm writing this not to pat myself on the back but to acknowledge that, with proper attitude and motivation, without being constrained or restricted by thoughts that might suggest otherwise and limit, the body can do good, if not great, things if the mind will let it.
- Greg Chapman
Yeah, I probably sound like a nitwit quoting Coach Chapman some 30+ years later, and that quote was usually uttered at the end of practice, doing sprints (slightly more erudite than the "C'mon, suck it up!" from Coach Duggan.) Nevertheless this Chapmanism came back to me the other day while I was undergoing chemo.
I feel great. I truly do. And I have since early July, including since beginning chemo treatment the beginning of August. Apart from the neuropathy (which makes typing these things out twice as long to do, dammit!) and the weeklong or so sensitivity to cold I experienced while on Oxaliplatin, I've had no side effects from the chemo. No hair loss, no fatigue or weakness, no nausea or similar effects, nothing. Except for the time spent going to and from as well as at the clinic twice every two weeks it really hasn't impacted my life at all, especially physically. As for the cancer itself, again, I currently feel fine. No pain, no odd or unusual symptoms- no symptoms really. I'm able to do all that I did prior to having surgeries and being diagnosed; run, lift, workout, eat what I want, drink (responsibly!) etc... My medical staff seems pleased, to the point where they sometimes give me more credit for how, apparently, well I'm doing than I think that I deserve. To me it simply seems as if I'm doing what I've always done, no big thing.
Where this fits in with the above quote is I was pondering how much mindset can help in, well, helping to enable us to adapt and keep trying to move forward and, hopefully, improve, in whatever ways. My diagnosis was, and is, serious; stage 4 colon cancer. Given the advanced stage of my illness (it had/has spread from the colon, from which they removed a tumor, to several metastases on my liver) it has been deemed incurable, hence my treatment is palliative, keeping the cancer and any symptoms at bay for as long as treatment is effective. I don't delude myself; it's pretty serious shit. Yet I feel so normal, so well. I've never considered myself all that much of a positive thinker or glass-is-always-half full type (I don't believe I'm an unnecessarily gloomy person, either) but for whatever reason/s I've been able to maintain a reasonably healthy- and positive- outlook on all of this. I was determined to get back to doing all that I normally did prior to this, especially physically, and did get back up to 7 miles/morning by last November, 45 mins of cardio/session, stronger on the weights, etc... and maintain a healthy diet and weight (even if a bit less than I was prior to this, and far less than I once was, which is a good thing!) I'm writing this not to pat myself on the back but to acknowledge that, with proper attitude and motivation, without being constrained or restricted by thoughts that might suggest otherwise and limit, the body can do good, if not great, things if the mind will let it.
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