12.11.12

A truly dominating performance by the Pats last night! All three phases of the game were clicking, and given the number of injuries and the- supposed- caliber of the Texans (an 11-1 record coming in was nothing to sneeze at) right now the Pats are once again looking like the class of the National Football League. A tough one coming up on a short turnaround week vs. the 49ers but things are looking very good in Foxboro right now.

I'm not much for giving advice- no one would listen anyway!- but if there is one thing I would suggest and advise it would be: do not take anything- opportunities, events, health (duh,) and most importantly people- for granted. I remember back in high school during football practice Coach Mitchell often said something along the lines of: enjoy it, because you never know when it's going to end. Maybe it was his Vietnam stuff rearing up, but there was/is truth in that. None of us know when we may lose, miss- or have taken away- any of those. We may not be able to control external events but we can control how we choose to respond to, enjoy, and embrace the opportunities, events, health, and people that are a part of each of our lives.

People talk about a War on Christmas. I don't know if I'd go that far. But there are cranks and killjoys out there (and I'd wager ten to get twenty that many of these folks are often the same ones to bleat about values such as "inclusiveness," "tolerance," and "embracing diversity" in almost any other sphere.) I question those who become irked over acknowledgment and recognition of Christmas. Does it really offend them that much? I'm not offended by expressions of Happy Hanukkah, a Delightful Diwali, Kwanzaa if that's your thing, Festivus, or anything else. I know no one who is. (I feel like I should be posting one of those Coexist stickers.) Yet there is a certain element that seems so offended by the words "Merry Christmas" and seems to go out of it's way to ensure that their fellow citizens do not impose such offensive items as a manger, angels, Saint Nick, etc... upon their sensitive secular souls (nice alliteration, Vito!) As they say, Christmas comes but once a year. The words of Sgt. Hulka (of Stripes fame) always appropriate, are especially so here: "Lighten up, Francis".

A few musical ones: 1- I've mentioned it before, but it's still hard to get used to hearing songs from our youth on the oldies stations. 2- Aerosmith was better before they got clean. 3- For Christmas music, I've never been a big fan of Mannheim Steamroller or Trans-Siberian Orchestra, but I always liked this one: The Ventures: Christmas Joy... I have all the fashion sense of Bill Belichick on game day... I'd like to see more bars carry more stouts than only Guinness. Guinness is good, but there are many other good- and American made- stouts out there as well... The Gresh & Zo Show on 98.5 The Sports Hub is pretty good... Still surprised Pacquaio got KO'd Sat. night... Wayne linked to this on Facebook: Guys Making Pies. Nice to see kids helping those less-fortunate...

Feeling great!

From the Buster collection- Christmas at Phi Mu Delta:

11.18.12

Had a late night last night and a little more to drink than I probably should have- haven't done that in quite awhile.
Thanks BDL and Doreen.

Thinking out loud...

I still go to church from time to time (didn't make mass this morning) but moreso I see God, or the supernatural, in creation. I was sitting outside after my workout yesterday afternoon and it was one of those Thanksgiving-like November days, the sky a bit grayer than it is in October, most of the leaves down and swirling around in the breeze, the branches mostly bare, a nip in the air but a nice day, a day where you feel truly alive. And I was sitting there, appreciative of the wonder and beauty and thinking "This can't be all simply a coincidence, spontaneous, random. There has to be something, some Thing, behind all of this." The world, life, Creation, is all too wonderful, too beautiful, too precious to simply be because of happenstance. I remember when my niece Claire was just an infant, how tiny and innocent and beautiful she was (and still is!) and having the same thoughts, how I could see God in her (I saw more of her when she was little than I did my nephew.) I see my mom now- she's gotten older, a little slower now- but so often when I'm with her I still feel like that little kid trudging around along side her in North Easton, just happy to be with her, and seeing God in her as well.
Kind of sappy I know, but it does convince me that there is some force, some power- call it God- behind things.


Boston sports fans have been truly blessed this past decade or so. Five Super Bowl appearances, with three titles, two World Series titles, two NBA Finals appearances, with one title, a Stanley Cup... OA has beaten Sharon on Thanksgiving just about every year. We also have two major newspapers with outstanding sports sections, two good sport radio stations, we have Comcast Sports New England and NESN, ESPN Boston... Other cities have had success with one or two teams over this time- New York with the Giants and Yankees, LA with the Lakers, San Francisco with the Giants, San Antonio Spurs, St. Louis Cardinals, Detroit Red Wings- but none with the level of success with all four major league teams that we've had. For a sports fan you couldn't ask for much more!

11.07.12

I try not to post too much political commentary here because, often, Left or Right, it can be tedious, it can alienate people of good will who hold differing views, and, unless there is some level of mutual respect, it can often devolve into mudslinging. Having said that, a few thoughts on last night's results...

First, I've only seen a couple of Facebook friends make juvenile, derogatory comments on their walls and such; the few who did, well, it speaks poorly of them. I do believe that most people, Left or Right, operate out of good will, make their choices and decisions based upon what they believe is in their, and our nation's, best interests. Folks who lean Right often are just as incensed over government interfering in economic issues as folks on the Left are over social issues. Good people can disagree without being (too!) disagreeable.

As to the election itself... I was far more surprised that Scott Brown lost than that President Obama won re-election. Brown represented Bay Staters- all Bay Staters- well, and was a sorely-needed voice of bi-partisanship and cooperation in Washington. Time will tell if Liz Warren will equally represent all, will equally be willing to reach and work across the aisle.

The overall results tell me a few things. This is a very divided nation, in terms of representation as well as ideology. Which isn't always a bad thing; division between the Clinton Admin and Congressional Republicans resulted in deficit reduction and robust economic growth in the mid/late 90's. But there was some willingness then to work together (see welfare reform as an example) for the betterment of the nation. Currently there seems to be very little; the Obama Admin unwilling to work with the GOP House, and vice versa. The biggest issue that remains unaddressed is the ever-expanding deficit and debt. We cannot sustain the course that we are on. In much of Europe we are seeing what happens when deficit spending far outstrips revenues, the corrosive effects that has upon economic growth. And we seem to be on the road to that. At some point the bill will come due. Barring a miracle I won't be around for that, but many/most reading this are looking at another 20-30 earning years. And your kids... Claire and Pat, prepare to pay up! Some will say "tax the wealthy more, make them pay their 'fair share.'" We already have a graduated income tax in this nation; the rates upon the wealthy are already higher than those on other income groups, and they contribute disproportionately more of a percentage of income taxes. The so-called "Buffett Rule" would only be a drop in the bucket in terms of revenues produced. Some say it's about "fairness" however they choose to define that. I've yet to have anyone explain to me how allowing someone to keep more of what they have earned takes a cent out of my, or anyone else's, pocket. Fairness should be about treating everyone equally under the law; liberalism's greatest success was arguably it's role in civil rights, ending laws that treated people differently based upon race, religion, gender, more recently sexual orientation (sadly, they gave some of that back with the introduction of affirmative action laws, the creation of thought crimes, etc... legislation that treats people differently because of their race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, etc...) Yet many liberals fail to see the division they sow when they engage in class and economic warfare, seeking to create laws that treat, and ultimately punish, people differently based upon their earnings. And when we create a nation when a bare minority pay little-to-nothing in income taxes yet are eligible for tax-funded personal entitlements (these go beyond the things all citizens, rich and poor, benefit directly from, such as national defense, public safety, roads, bridges, and similar infrastructure, education) especially ones that we have to borrow in order to pay for, of course there will be division.

And ultimately that's what it has come down to- division. No one side, no one ideology, has a lock on virtue or vice.  The best we can, or at least should, do is to leave people free to pursue fulfillment, personal or economic, to treat all people equally under the law, and to have a government that lives within it's means and treats it's citizens as adults.

10.31.12

All treats, no tricks!

I received the results from my CT scan this past Monday (yes, I had it during the storm)- in medicalese: Interval decrease in the size of hepatic metastases. There is no evidence of new metastatic disease. Translated: no spread, no new growths, and the existing tumors have all shrunk in size. Appreciably so, by half or more since my last scan the end of August. My oncologist was truly pleased; she said this was one of the best responses she has seen with this regimen, in terms of the amount of shrinkage as well as how quickly. My oncology nurse was similarly pleased. As was/am I.

Relentless Optimism!

10.14.12

Fall has always been my favorite season of the year. It has always seemed a time of renewed purpose, new beginnings- new school year, new football season, and more- shaking off the slumber of summer and reawakening, newly energized. Perhaps the Jewish people have it right, their New Year seeming to coincide with the advent of fall. And there truly is something special, something wondrous, about autumn in New England- the deep blue of the sky, the crisp mornings, the leaves turning color, their scent as they've fallen, the sound of their crunching underfoot, wood smoke, apple cider, pumpkin bread, harvest fairs, and so much more. Fall in New England makes the long, dreary winters bearable. And it often seems as if the best of fall, the distillation of it's very essence, comes within the span of a precious few weeks in October, a short span when fall and all that is most wonderful about it is at it's peak. Whether in the city, the suburbs, or the country, those few weeks capture all that is best about fall, about New England, perhaps about life.

It is a wondrous time.
(I wish I could say the same about the Patriots game today, dammit!)

10.03.12

I received my first lab results after a month on my latest chemo regimen (Cetuximab)- my CEA level (that blood marker I've referred to before, which the medicos use as an indicator as to the efficacy of a given treatment without having to resort to a CT scan each time) has decreased 401 points since the beginning of September! It is currently at the lowest it has been since early spring. To say that my doc and nurse- as well as I- were/am pleased is an understatement. I do have a CT scan scheduled for later this month, to see if the decrease in CEA in fact does correlate with a reduction in the size, extent, etc... of the tumors, but this was and is pretty welcomed news; apparently this regimen is having the desired effect thus far.

One thing I've found to be a bit awkward is, when I talk with people that I haven't in awhile- since before all of this- and the inevitable "So Vito, how're you doing? What's been going on?"questions come up, how to appropriately, yet adequately, respond. Often it begins with "Well... " I mean, let's face it; no one likes to hear- or share- bad news. Certainly if people care enough to make contact, to ask and enquire about things, they deserve an honest response. But no one likes to come off as whining or self-pitying or complaining, either. It can be a dilemma at times...

Anyway... a great come-from-behind win by the Patriots last Sunday! Always great to beat the Bills- my two least favorite teams in the NFL are the Jets and the Bills, always great to beat up on them especially. It should be interesting to see the return of Peyton Manning now in a Broncos uniform. I have to admit, despite his playing for the Colts all those years, I always liked Peyton, always thought he was phenomenal QB and just one of those opponents you always respect.

Go Pats!

9.22.12

I have to step up my work outs. I've slacked off the last month or so, really not pushing myself as hard as I can, as hard as I should. Yeah, I can make excuses- I had a heel injury last month which took a few weeks to really recover, and my docs tell me that the cumulative effects of extended chemotherapy over time could diminish my stamina somewhat- but those are really just that, excuses, and they are unacceptable. Ultimately it is on me, it is my responsibility, and I can't allow myself  to get complacent- on anything.

 I need to step it up.

9.17.12

A talented songstress...

Catching up... Well, my oncologist started me on a different treatment regimen the beginning of September (Cetuximab.) Apparently the FOLFIRI treatment I had been on since this past July was not having much effect, so hopefully this one will have more efficacy; we should know later this month/early October. Again, knock on wood, side effects have been virtually non-existent- the only drawback with this treatment is, while it is a shorter infusion time at the clinic, it is once weekly, as opposed to my previous bi-weekly visits, so it is a bit more of a time suck. But whaddya gonna do... beats the alternative! I'm still (again, knock on wood!) feeling perfectly well, no effects from either the cancer or the treatment. Perfectly well... which is more than I can say for the Patriots yesterday, dammit. First home opener loss since Gillette opened; they just looked somewhat unfocused offensively, the O-line play in particular needs to improve- getting healthier will help. The receivers need to pick it up a bit as well, Gronk, Welker, and Lloyd all had drops that were catchable, and the loss of Hernandez doesn't help. The defense did a reasonable job (Chandler Jones is quickly becoming a beast) and for Gostkowski to miss a kick that would have won it, that doesn't happen often. Chalk it up to a bad day...

9.04.12

" I have a life. And it only goes in one direction. Forward."
- Don Draper

There's a lot to be said for moving in that one direction, forward. Living in the past, looking back on past setbacks and successes, serves little purpose. Allowing one's past to dictate one's present and future results, at best, in stagnation. It is difficult to move forward to better things if one is trapped in the past, in habits, in ways of thinking and acting that are no longer relevant, that no longer fit or work as one moves forward. Resting on one's past successes and glories is no more useful than ruminating over one's setbacks, missteps, mistakes, screw-ups, missed or squandered opportunities, etc... I know that I've been guilty of both, and it took me a long time to realize that, beyond learning experiences, living in the past prevents progress. There is much to be said for discarding old ways that no longer serve useful purpose, that no longer fit.
And yet... 

"In this great future you can't forget your past..."
- Bob Marley

And that is where the Don Draper school of thought comes up short. While we certainly can and should strive toward that great future leaving behind those people, those relationships that have served and continue to serve us well (and vice versa) is a mistake. While I suppose there can be reasons for it I've never quite understood how some people can so easily cast off past friendships, relationships, etc... The Don Draper quote above is from where he basically tells his half-brother to buzz off simply because Don didn't want to be burdened by someone from his past, by someone who never caused him any harm. In his pursuit to move only forward, to cut all ties from his past, Don not only tremendously hurt someone else but ultimately hurt himself as well (as a result of his half-brother's suicide) and continues to be haunted by that choice and it's results. Perhaps I've just been fortunate enough to be blessed with good people in my life, people I wouldn't want nor need to cast aside that I can't quite grasp how others can do that.

I suppose the point I'm trying to get at with this- admittedly rambling- post is that, while loyalty to past habits, ways of thinking, etc... that no longer serve a purpose is worth little, loyalty to relationships, to people we had and have a positive connection, a positive history, with, is something to be cherished and valued. And maintained.
Balance I suppose...

8.09.12

I got back last weekend from a very enjoyable weekend visiting my brother and his family up in western Maine- really pretty scenery up there, the mountains, the lakes, the really clear skies at night, very different from southern New England. Also enjoyed a day down in Portland, taking in the waterfront, the Old Port, enjoying some seafood (J's Oyster, Gritty McDuff's) as well as a few other establishments to enjoy a cold adult beverage or two! It was really nice to get up there- thanks Tom, Margaret, Claire, and Pat.

I received a call from my oncologist earlier today, with the results of my latest CEA levels- knocked back down appreciably, which she said was what was best hoped for (it could have either risen still, or remained stable, so a significant drop in the # is encouraging news!) Hopefully this regimen (FOLFIRI, for those keeping score) will prove and remain as effective in knocking things back as the previous (FOLFOX) one was this past year. And again, as always, I still feel perfectly well, in terms of both chemo side effects (very negligible) as well as overall health- still haven't felt or experienced anything from the cancer itself since the initial episode in May '11.

I am feeling a real need to do more with my life, with however longer I have. I do more, am less apprehensive in trying/considering new and different things, taken a few more- yes, calculated- risks than perhaps previously I had. Intimations of my mortality have proven to be a bit- what?- freeing I suppose is a good way to put it. But there is more that I still want to attempt, do, experience, achieve, shake off any and all remaining complacency. That's what living is!

I hope any/all reading this are enjoying their summers- it's been a pretty nice one around these parts this year!

7.11.12

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."
- John Wooden

I cite the above quote on my Facebook profile. I've found quite a bit of wisdom in it over the years, even before my health issues arose. I suppose like many of us back when I was younger, say in my mid-late 20's or so, I thought I had it all figured out, I really didn't think there was anything left to learn about life, about people, about things. But changes come along, successes and setbacks, be they career/financially, in relationships, health-wise, and more, both to oneself and to those around us, those we know- and even care!- for and about. External events happen too, things as momentous as the 9/11 attacks or the '08 financial crises as well as the smaller, incremental but still-significant changes (the rise of computing and the Internet and the changes they have brought to the world for example.) The things we thought we were certain about become chimeras.

There's a line from Clint Eastwood's Sudden Impact: "Callahan is the one constant in an ever-changing universe." And there is something to be said for being solid, for stability. But the changes in life, the things we learn after we thought we knew it all, are what are important. They define us as more than merely stagnant, nostalgic, living-in-the-past curmudgeons. They keep us vibrant, forward-thinking, alive. I don't mean to speak for others nor come across as ponderous or pretentious, and admittedly I've probably been later to the show in this regard than many/most people that I know. But I really can't think of anyone that I know, be they family, friends from Easton, fraternity brothers and friends from UMass, others whom I've met and befriended over the years, who are the exact same people, who hold the exact same attitudes, views, outlooks, etc... as they were and did when they were 14, 18, 22, 25, 30, whatever. Some are in relationships or careers- or places- that neither of us might have imagined, some have given up drinking, some have developed an interest in Buddhism, and much, much more. I like to believe that, while I still have many of the same interests and such (sports are still big for me, I still enjoy gritty crime novels and films, still enjoy a few cold adult beverages on occasion) my outlooks and attitudes have adapted, have matured, or have simply become better informed, as a result of the many lessons life has taught me since I knew it all.

I had another CT scan this past Monday; good news and bad news. The bad first; the exisiting tumors on my liver have grown with, in the medical jargon slight interval increase in the size of these metastatic lesions which, in basic English, means the tumors on my liver have gotten slightly larger in size. Which, given the incremental increases in my CEA levels over the last few months, was to be expected. As a result my oncologist has put me on a slightly different chemo regimen; after the first round, so far, so good, no adverse side effects as of yet (today.) So that is the bad, or disappointing, news. On the good news front; first, there has been no spread beyond the exisiting tumors, no new tumors or any distant metastatic disease, meaning to date no spread to any other organs beyond my liver. Also- because I asked- my oncologist believes that I likely beat the odds on her original prognosis back in May of '11 (at that time, with treatment, median prognosis was slightly over two years.) Conservatively speaking, she seemed to think that I'm looking at at least 2 years from now. I'm feeling fine, anyway- bulletproof!

6.25.12

I haven't posted in a little while because, frankly, things have been pretty status-quo, which is a pretty good thing. I'm still feeling well, still able to do all of the things I did before the cancer and all came about. While it's always in the back of my thoughts, day-to-day the cancer really hasn't had a major impact upon me, upon how I conduct my days, thus far (apart from my bi-weekly treatment sessions, but even those are simply 3-4 hours out of my day, not strenuous or difficult... just boring!) Occasionally I do think of where I was a year or so ago (and about a year ago today I was recovering from my 2nd round of surgeries, and puking in front of Jim Ford, which is odd only in that it wasn't alcohol-related!) and am pleased with where I am currently.

In a perverse way perhaps but this whole experience (coupled with dealing with my mom's and my sister-in-law's cancers) has actually made me a more- what?- positive person. It has become far more easy for me to see, and to appreciate, the good in life, in living, in things small and large, and most importantly in people. There are so many good people out there, and there are so many positive, wondrous, enjoyable things in this world. It doesn't mean that I don't recognize the negatives and, if/as I can, that I do what I can to improve or change those things. But since I recovered from immediate surgeries and such last year and was able to begin leading a- fairly!- normal life again for whatever reason/s it has become much easier for me to see and to appreciate the many good people and things in life, and to have a far more positive mindset and view than perhaps I did prior to all of this occurring.

Not a bad thing.

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."
Winston Churchill

5.19.12

Quick update: I had mentioned in a previous entry that one of the #'s my oncologist checks had risen somewhat noticeably. It rose again the next time they checked it as well, so she scheduled a CT scan to get a peek inside, see if the rise in # correlated with any new growth, spread, etc... I got the results the other day- NO new growth, no spread, everything looked the same as it did on my previous scan last January which, considering, looked damn good! While there is likely some increased metabolic action on the part of the cancer nothing new- yet- where anything has appeared. Suffice to say my doc- and I- were/are pleased!

5 miles this morning, 40 mins of StairMaster a little while ago- bulletproof!

5.15.12

A bit of an observation/perspective entry...

I was having a discussion with a friend recently and we got on to the topic of things people did as kids, teens, etc... (I think it came up out of the reports about Mitt Romney allegedly teasing a fellow student back when he was in high school; to be fair and balanced there are accounts of President Obama engaging in less-than-admirable conduct when young as well. Neither of these are particularly relevant to issues such as: the economy, government deficits and debt, tax policy, healthcare policy, foreign policy, and more, but such is the state of much of the media today.) I made the point that many teenagers often do stupid, unthinking things, and that most learn from them and change as they mature, to which he said he doesn't know much about what kids who did those then are like now (he's been away from Easton for quite awhile.) I countered that likely some of the mature, responsible adults he has met over the years were perhaps not quite so mature and responsible when younger, and to maybe take that into consideration when, um, considering folks he did know from back then. And it's true; many people we meet in the post high school/post-college world, we don't know what they were like when younger. We generally accept them as they are now, not as what they may have been.

And it got me thinking about what I was sometimes like when younger, how I treated people, and also how people treated me. By and large I believe I was fairly unassuming, quiet even; for the most part if I wasn't especially friendly to a lot of people neither do I think I was particularly mean to many either- chalk it up to insecurity, immaturity, probably both. But occasionally I'm sure- I know- that I treated people poorly, disrespectfully, usually with alcohol playing some sort of supporting role. I don't believe I ever bullied anyone; I don't recall doing so, and I certainly hope that I did not (alcohol can make memories hazy sometimes.) And occasionally I was on the receiving end as well, catching shit, particularly from some of Easton's zoofs (a classic Eastonism!) It was just kids being kids; I never felt bullied. Similarly, in college, on those rare occasions when I had a few (yeah right) I sometimes was less-than-gentlemanly toward fellow students, particularly of the female persuasion (again, I believe as a result of insecurity and immaturity fueled with alcohol. And I wonder why I didn't do better with the ladies while in college... tho' somehow it worked for Bob Floyd.) Thankfully, I believe that I've- reasonably- matured.

Some of this is obviously a result of pondering my mortality. I've mentioned in prior posts that I know that I was an a**hole at times and looking back obviously regret being so (tho' Mimi Meade commented awhile back that she never thought of me as an a**hole- thanks, Mimi!)  I'd like to think that, whether on the giving or receiving end, hopefully we can accept us for who we are now, and not harbor grudges, petty or even real, from years, decades past. I don't harbor any. None of us can change our pasts, undo some of the less-savory things we may have said or done. The best we can do is try to make amends if/as possible, learn from our misdeeds, be tolerant and forgiving of the misdeeds others may have done to us, and to accept people as they are now. Because we've all done thoughtless things at one time or another.

5.12.12

One year.

5.08.12

People talk about fighting cancer; in some cases I am sure that is true. What has been and continues to be most maddening about this to me is that there is nothing I can do, directly, to fight it, to beat it back, to defeat it. Yeah, I can maintain a healthy diet and keep myself in best shape as I can physically and yes these do make and keep me healthy and strong overall but they do nothing to directly affect the cancer itself. The analogy I've often used is rehabbing an injury, or setting and letting heal a broken bone; thru specific and targeted exercises and therapy over time that injury can be strengthened and healed, by setting a broken bone and doing whatever it is needed to do (again, therapy, or even simply staying off of it) to mend it I can. I can do those things, directly. But with this... the only real thing I do that directly impacts and- hopefully- beats back the cancer is to sit in a Barcalounger in a clinic every two weeks and get pumped full of poisons. I know I drive my med people crazy obsessing over this but it is the lack of personal ability to and personal control over what I can do to help beat this thing back that is so maddening. It's not their care that I'm disappointed with; I'm receiving the best care and treatment that I could ask for, by truly committed and compassionate people. But it's just that- receiving- rather than doing something pro-actively that directly affects and, again, hopefully improves my condition that is perhaps the most frustrating thing about all of this.

Closing in on one year it is still difficult to accept that I cannot be in control over this, that I cannot, thru my own efforts, beat and defeat this thing, that I'm at the mercy of others and the effectiveness of what they alone do for me. I suppose I have to figure out how to deal with and accept that, frustrating as it is. I'm not letting what I cannot do interfere with what I can do (to paraphrase John Wooden)- I just would like to be able to do more, from my end.

Hell, maybe it's just the weather here today...

4.26.12

(I hope my postings don't read like Travis Bickle's diary in Taxi Driver!)

Recently I was reading some material on colon cancer (self-absorbed reading, I know- I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention... there's one!) and one of the items I came across was the five-year survival rates for the various stages of the disease. (Note: colon cancer is a relatively treatable and curable disease if detected early enough. However, many of the early symptoms are often difficult to detect, or even notice, absent appropriate testing. I had felt fine until the sudden onset of symptoms: You're only as healthy as you feel... Damn, there's two!) Many of the rates were relatively encouraging, relatively good... until I came across those for stage 4, my stage. For stage 4 the five-year survival rate is eight percent, meaning only eight percent of those diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer survive five years after diagnosis. While my oncologists had already discussed the median prognosis and all with me last year this knowledge nevertheless did bum me out for a few days. Until I had the enlightening- for me- realization that someone has to make up that eight percent; why the hell not me?! I do have some things working in my favor- I'm considerably younger than many colon cancer patients (age alone would skew the mortality rates somewhat higher.) Apart from the cancer I have no other/underlying health issues; except for the cancer itself I'm healthy. I maintain a pretty clean and healthy diet, I exercise, and I'm in pretty good shape physically. Just as importantly I have some truly outstanding and committed people working on my behalf, both at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center (where I receive treatment) as well as at Fenway Health (affiliated with BIDMC) where I receive my primary care (my sister and her husband also receive their primary care at Fenway. Good people.) And as I posted awhile back, one-time Presidential candidate Herman Cain was diagnosed with almost my exact same condition back in 2006, and he's still alive and kicking. Again- someone has to make up that eight percent, why shouldn't I be one of 'em?

None of this is to suggest that I'm not aware of the odds nor is it to suggest that I'm putting things off, figuring I have a slew of time to do them. It's important to live in the moment, in the now. None of us know when those may be taken away. What the above does hopefully suggest for me is that there is the possibility of more moments, more nows, than I may have anticipated and that, with the continued exemplary care from my health care team, my own efforts, and perhaps my will, those moments and nows may extend further.
(I'm tempted to say My whole life is pointed in one direction...  but anymore Taxi Driver quotes might be a little too creepy!)

4.19.12

Had my first sort of setback Wednesday. I had my routine blood work and chemo done and was informed that a key blood marker (CEA) they check to, well, check the status/progress of the treatment and the cancer had risen significantly since last month, from 81 to 167 (ideally, in a healthy adult it should be at/near zero; last August mine was at 960, so... ) It was disappointing news in that, when I met with my oncologists earlier in the day they, and I, were very pleased with the results and all thus far, telling me that, as of then, the response to the treatment had been the best-case scenario for the extent/advanced stage of the cancer, both for how it was beating back the cancer as well as my tolerance to the treatment (they also told me that I was easily their most physically fit/active patient- yeah, a little pat on the back for Vito!) and then to find out these results later in the day, a little before I was done with my chemo session, was, well, disappointing. I felt- and feel- fine; still wouldn't know that I was sick if I didn't know that I was sick. And they'll check it again in two weeks, see where it is going, if it's a pattern or a one-off kind of deal, and what to do about it. But still... disappointing.

In a way this sort of serves as a bit of a wake-up call, a prod to re-focus a bit more on getting the most out of each day. Where I've been feeling perfectly well and have had, to this point, such positive results it has made it somewhat easier to take things a bit more for granted, to not live with quite the sense of- what?- urgency, or at least of purpose, that I had back when all of this was still newly discovered and things were still sort of in flux. The past few months I've sort of, not forgotten but maybe dismissed the fact that I am on the clock as it were and that it is important to take the effort to accomplish more of the things I'd like to while there is still time and I am still well enough to do so.

So if I can get something positive out of this, then good.

4.01.12

This one is a bit introspective and ponderous- feel free to skip...

My Aunt Carol passed away last week. She was older and had been in poor health for quite awhile, with the diminished quality of life that comes from that. Nevertheless when the end came it was sudden and unexpected. I've wondered how this has been on my mom- Carol was her only, and younger, sibling, and the lone surviving member from her side of the family. As my mom said, she's now the only one left (fortunately she's in pretty good health, still answers the bell each day!) She seems to be dealing with it pretty well; they were close, but not super close, and again, the poor health and quality of life Carol had probably cushions her loss somewhat.

I've also been thinking of Carol's daughter, my cousin Cheryl. Cheryl is an only child, and me, my brother, and my sister are her only cousins, only relatives. Growing up we really didn't see or have much to do with Cheryl, despite her and her mom only living one town away. There was some animosity between our moms at that time but more it was just, not even indifference but simply, I dunno, unawareness, never even considering that we were Cheryl's only relatives. Relatives, aunts, uncles, cousins were something I think we took for granted; from our father's side of the family we had a slew of them, many of them living in Easton (and you know who you are!) Even given age differences or that we might not have always run in the same groups they were always there, we'd always see or run into one another, be it at school, the park, the store, at church, wherever. Whether we always got along or not (sometimes both!) having that extended family around lent a sense of- what?- of stability, of connectedness. And, not maliciously or with malintent but simply out of lack of awareness, Cheryl didn't have that, didn't experience that from the people who could have/should have extended that to her.

As I got older on those occasions when I'd think of Cheryl I always felt badly about that. She deserved better, and we missed out on getting to know a wonderful person. Awhile back I re-connected with Cheryl (as have my brother and sister), and she was good enough to reciprocate. Over the last several months we've stayed in pretty good touch, and my hope is that, especially now, with the passing of her mom, she can consider us her family, that she might begin to experience at least some of the connectedness that she has with us (and we with her,) as much as our family has had with all of the extended Donaghues.

If there are any points to this they are; be they family, friends, whomever, don't take people who are, or should be, important for granted. It's a loss to them as well as to us. As possible or feasible, making the effort to connect/reconnect with people important to you can be rewarding. Lastly, it shouldn't take an illness to figure these things out.

3.13.12

At times I still get frustrated over the whole cancer thing. When this comes on I often think "Why is God doing this to me? Why is He punishing me in this way?" At those times I still can't help but think if it's some sort of punishment for any/all of my past sins, transgressions, failings, whatever.

But then I think of Charlotte.

Charlotte was the daughter of one of my fraternity brothers, a little girl who passed away from cancer at the age of six. I can't begin to imagine the sense of loss Jim and Janet felt and still must feel from her passing. I don't know what that has done to their faith. But when I get angry and think "Why am I being punished?" I think of Charlotte. That little girl did nothing to anyone, and she was stricken with cancer. She wasn't being punished for anything; there's nothing a little girl could have done to warrant any such punishment. Yet she had cancer, and succumbed to it. One- very reasonable- response to that might be that there is no rhyme or reason to anything, everything is simply random. Another might be anger, anger at what we're told is a benevolent Creator, yet one who seems to act with capriciousness- how could a benevolent God take away an innocent six year old? Yet if neither of those two provide a satisfactory answer the only other option I can see is that there is some reason, unfathomable to us, for such things, be it a little girl taken away, my sister-in-law, and my mother, recovering from cancers, or my own illness. Perhaps it's to send a message or lesson to others, I don't know... I believe there must be some reason to it all, unknown to me or to any of us. And if there is a Heaven (and I believe that there is) I am certain Charlotte is there, comfortable and at total peace. Hopefully that is the destiny of all of us.

3.08.12

"The body can do great things if the mind will let it!"
- Greg Chapman

Yeah, I probably sound like a nitwit quoting Coach Chapman some 30+ years later, and that quote was usually uttered at the end of practice, doing sprints (slightly more erudite than the "C'mon, suck it up!" from Coach Duggan.) Nevertheless this Chapmanism came back to me the other day while I was undergoing chemo.

I feel great. I truly do. And I have since early July, including since beginning chemo treatment the beginning of August. Apart from the neuropathy (which makes typing these things out twice as long to do, dammit!) and the weeklong or so sensitivity to cold I experienced while on Oxaliplatin, I've had no side effects from the chemo. No hair loss, no fatigue or weakness, no nausea or similar effects, nothing. Except for the time spent going to and from as well as at the clinic twice every two weeks it really hasn't impacted my life at all, especially physically. As for the cancer itself, again, I currently feel fine. No pain, no odd or unusual symptoms- no symptoms really. I'm able to do all that I did prior to having surgeries and being diagnosed; run, lift, workout, eat what I want, drink (responsibly!) etc... My medical staff seems pleased, to the point where they sometimes give me more credit for how, apparently, well I'm doing than I think that I deserve. To me it simply seems as if I'm doing what I've always done, no big thing.

Where this fits in with the above quote is I was pondering how much mindset can help in, well, helping to enable us to adapt and keep trying to move forward and, hopefully, improve, in whatever ways. My diagnosis was, and is, serious; stage 4 colon cancer. Given the advanced stage of my illness (it had/has spread from the colon, from which they removed a tumor, to several metastases on my liver) it has been deemed incurable, hence my treatment is palliative, keeping the cancer and any symptoms at bay for as long as treatment is effective. I don't delude myself; it's pretty serious shit. Yet I feel so normal, so well. I've never considered myself all that much of a positive thinker or glass-is-always-half full type (I don't believe I'm an unnecessarily gloomy person, either) but for whatever reason/s I've been able to maintain a reasonably healthy- and positive- outlook on all of this. I was determined to get back to doing all that I normally did prior to this, especially physically, and did get back up to 7 miles/morning by last November, 45 mins of cardio/session, stronger on the weights, etc... and maintain a healthy diet and weight (even if a bit less than I was prior to this, and far less than I once was, which is a good thing!) I'm writing this not to pat myself on the back but to acknowledge that, with proper attitude and motivation, without being constrained or restricted by thoughts that might suggest otherwise and limit, the body can do good, if not great, things if the mind will let it.

2.27.12

"You can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf."
- Jon Kabat-Zinn

I came across that quote in a book Big Ed Reid had recommended (Delivering Happiness: A Path To Profits, Passion, And Purpose, Tony Hsieh.) Yeah, it sounds a little New-Agey but its one of those quotes you read and it really stops you in your tracks and makes you ponder it; at least it did for me. For much of my life I've tried, in ways large and small, to bend the world to my will, with the- predictably- poor results; part of my control freak thing, the belief that I can control whatever I want to solely through my own effort. It's a lesson many have probably learned long ago. Cancer has taught me that it is false. Jack Nicholson, as Frank Costello in The Departed said "I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me..." but it doesn't quite work that way (look at how he ended up.) It's like pounding one's head against a wall- the wall isn't going to give. I don't believe it is admitting defeat as much as acknowledging reality when saying that it doesn't work. And it doesn't mean giving up and simply meandering whichever way the tide flows. It is, or at least should be, about using that force, those waves, to power one's life in a purposeful, rewarding, and hopefully enjoyable, direction, utilizing one's talents, gifts, abilities, and attributes, learning and adapting not in opposition to but with that flow, riding it, contributing something of value and worth and purpose not only to one's own life but to those around us, and the larger world as well. Slowly but surely I'm trying to learn to surf!

On the health front I'm still feeling fine; my most recent doc and chemo appointments went well. The only thing I'm dealing with right now is some neuropathy, in my feet, toes, and especially fingertips (it's a result of one of the chemo drugs- Oxaliplatin- that my team had me on.) It should subside and improve over time as the effects from the drug fully work their way out of my system (it took awhile to build up to the point where I have the neuropathy, it'll take awhile to subside.) It is a pain in the ass- makes typing, tying laces, buttoning, opening things, lifting (grasping barbells/dumbbells) and the like challenging. But again, it should improve over time, and the benefits of the treatment exceed the costs for me -I'm still here, and feeling healthy.

(At the request of Drew Herrmann I've enabled comments; feel free to leave any if you wish.)

2.12.11

Complacency.

This has been a sticking point for me recently. Due to my- fortunate- feelings of physical and mental well-being it has become too easy for me to slip into a sort of complacency in my life. Again- and I'm not complaining- but where I currently feel unaffected by my illness, where I'm able to do all of the things I had been able to do prior to being diagnosed, it has had the effect of- what?- lessening the sense of urgency to attack each and every day as if it were my last. And then not doing so, succumbing to that complacency, ends up pissing me off because I didn't attack the day with full gusto (haven't heard that one since the old Schlitz ads, have you?!) while I still have the health, the vitality, the ability to do so while knowing full well that I'm on the clock as it were. It's that knowledge- knowing that I'm on the clock- that ends up frustrating me when I haven't taken full advantage of each day.

I'm sure this isn't unique to me- I imagine many people look back, whether it be on the day or on the years, and recognize that they didn't endeavor to accomplish all that they had hoped to in that day, in those years. Too often it can be easy- and tempting- to think "I"ll get to it tomorrow," whatever it may be. I know that I've done that too often, past and even present. But there isn't always a tomorrow; whether one is stricken with an illness that they know will almost assuredly cause them an earlier death than imagined, or the proverbial bolt out of the blue (accident, assault, heart attack, etc...) time, and life, have to be seen as precious and taken full measure of, not squandered or wasted, especially by complacency. They're just too valuable not to be.

I know that I need to keep focused on that anyway.

2.06.12

I feel sick this morning.

No, not from the cancer, from the game last night. Very disappointing. The Patriots largely did what I thought they would need to do in order to win the game; effectively neutralize the Giants' rush which, on balance (the first rush on Brady resulting in the safety a notable exception) I thought they did- Brady mostly had sufficient time to throw, Benny and Woodhead had room to run. For the most part the secondary adequately contained the Giants' receivers, keeping them short-to-mid range between the red zones (with the exception of those few deeper ones to Manningham;) the Giants' receivers didn't scorch the secondary. The play of the Pats front seven was average. Offensively there was a decent mix between pass and run, though I thought the passing game wasn't at it's best (a few balls thrown behind receivers, Branch and Hernandez, Gronk too, had a couple of crucial drops, and obviously the drop by Welker, one that, if made, likely would have resulted in three, possibly six, points on the board; at the very least it would have helped chew clock deep in Giants' territory.) Special teams didn't give up any big plays. I thought the Pats seemed a bit flat throughout, seemed as if the Giants had a bit more spark, more energy. And yet it was an eminently winnable game- close, as many expected, but winnable.

A tough loss.

To quote Leo Duggan: "I'm drained."

1.20.12

Had a CT scan last Wednesday (routine- it's been about six months since I began chemo and four since my last scan) and got the results today- very good! Nothing new showed up, no new tumors, growths, etc... and the existing tumors had all shrunk by around/little more than half since September. According to the docs this really was/is the about the best results they could hope for or expect; they'd have been satisfied if things had remained status quo from the September scan, so to see that level of continued shrinkage is encouraging. Equally, they seem pleased with my response to and tolerance of the chemo regimen; from what I was told many patients receiving this regimen have a difficult time making it through as many rounds as I've been through- yeah, I'm tough as hell! (Much if it probably has to do with my age- relatively younger than the average colon cancer patient- I have no other health issues, and I do take decent care of myself, diet and exercise, etc... Tho' I have had to resign myself to running on an indoor treadmill this winter, dammit.)

Obviously I am very pleased with what they told me but at times it's still a bit of a conundrum as well; how can I feel this well, this healthy, this normal yet have what, by everything I've heard, read, been told, etc... is a pretty advanced cancer (stage 4 is as high as they go)? Feeling well definitely beats the alternative, and I don't obsessively dwell upon it all but it does cause some confusion, a kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop mentality. It is something always in the back of my mind.

But anyway, pretty good news- now if we get just as good news around 6pm or so this coming Sunday, with a Pats win over the Ravens!

1.05.12

2012- Apocalypse now? Isn't that what the Mayans said (when they weren't inventing television- gratuitous Repo Man reference!)

One thing I'm still having a difficult time accepting- and I must be driving my medical people crazy badgering them with by now- is that there is little, nothing really, I can pro-actively do to thwart, or at least keep at bay, my cancer. I've referenced it before; if I had a sports or other injury or something like that I could pro-actively rehab it, heal it. If I had high blood pressure, diabetes, or were (still) excessively overweight I could tweak/change my diet and eating regimen to positively affect those conditions. You get the idea. My doctors and all tell me that by maintaining a healthy diet and by running and working out that these strengthen me and help me better tolerate chemo treatments as well as reduce other potential health issues (thereby helping me to- hopefully- live with this longer, with fewer intolerable side effects from the chemo, and I do believe the docs on this) but they, nor anything else, cannot/do not effect the cancer itself. And that is difficult for me to accept; that there is something going on within my own body that I am powerless to directly affect, improve, change, that the only thing I can really do that actually affects the cancer is to sit in a Barcalounger for five hours every other week and get pumped full of chemicals. There are a lot of things that we cannot control in life but it is still difficult for me to accept that I cannot control- through my own efforts- something that is going on within me. Again, perhaps I'm more of a control freak than I thought I was. Though I guess bottomline where I still feel fine almost eight months out now from first being diagnosed that is something.

Beyond that... I still have concerns about the Pats in the playoffs. I realize they've won 13 games and that the offense has been clicking and all but I'm still concerned about the defense. Yeah, they aren't giving up points when it counts (helped by an offense that seems almost able to score at will) but as they get deeper into the playoffs and face teams solid on both sides of the ball (specifically, Pittsburgh and Baltimore defensively, should the Pats face either/both of them) will the Pats O be able to put up enough points on those defenses to offset their own defensive deficiencies? It should be interesting...

"As you go through life, whatever your goal, keep your eye on the doughnut and not on the hole."