6.26.13

Thoughts while digesting the Aaron Hernandez arraignment...

Over the last couple of years I've had a few people ask me if I'm afraid of dying. I don't believe that I am. Either there is an afterlife of some sort (which I believe there is... and hopefully I'll end up in the good place!) or there is not- either way there is nothing I can do about it, and my demise will be no different from that of anyone else who has ever lived. I am somewhat apprehensive about what may lay in store leading up to that; while I've always had a fairly high threshold to/tolerance of pain obviously I don't wish to suffer. And worse, I do not wish to be a burden upon anyone if/when things deteriorate. I won't allow either of those things to happen.

I have many regrets but chief among them: the way I treated people in the past, and squandered/unrecognized/un-utilized opportunities. While I've tried to make amends for, or at least learn from, those obviously I can't- none of us can- change the past. In both cases as best I can I've tried to adopt a pay-it-forward mindset, with varying degrees of success. And with regrets too, at least for me, so often my regrets are more for the things that I didn't do, didn't pursue, didn't take a chance on as opposed to things that I did do that maybe didn't turn out as successfully as I'd have hoped. With few exceptions (if we've killed or maimed someone, or ourselves) the mistakes we've made, the things we did that, in hindsight, perhaps weren't the right or best of choices, are things that we can at least learn from and try not to repeat. But chances, choices, risks, opportunities that we don't make or take, the things we don't do or pursue, those may be the biggest regrets any of us can have, and if I could offer any advice to my niece and nephew- or any younger folks- it would be to avoid as much as possible the regret of what if.

And not so much a regret as a disappointment that, apparently, I'll be jumping off of this journey ahead of most everyone reading this, missing out on sharing many future experiences with family and friends. It's fascinating and rewarding to see how peoples' lives have evolved, the many events and experiences that bring us all to where we are today- schooling, sports and other interests and hobbies, careers, trips, relationships, marriages, children, all of the ups and, yes, the downs too... seeing how people have changed, and yet how they've also stayed the same. A shared history. It's also been rewarding to reconnect with people I had lost touch with over the years, to see and to share how the years have treated them, the competent, confident, flourishing adults that they have become. I've said it before, and it's one regret that I won't have; I've truly been blessed to have been surrounded by so many good people, in all of my walks of life.

(Edit: upon re-reading this it maybe makes things sound dire. I still feel well and, as far as I know, nothing adverse is imminent. No need to start that death pool just yet!)

6.09.13

Outstanding series sweep by the Bruins! Tuukka has been lights out, and everyone has stepped it up. Onto the Stanley Cup finals vs. the Black Hawks.

Time does have a way of passing so quickly. My niece attended her junior prom last month, my nephew his junior high (do they still call them junior highs?) semi-formal (both more successful with members of their respective opposite sex than their Uncle Vito) and it seems like just yesterday that they were each newborns... With graduation season upon us: I graduated college twenty-five years ago (on the five-year plan,) high school thirty years ago (reunion coming up this fall) yet it feels like it was only a couple of years ago pledging (Jim Ford gave me my pledge pin, Jud Walton was my big brother,) parties, exchanges, Case Day and more at The Mu, being amply-served at The Pub by BDL, making the occasional trip over The Notch to South Hadley via Granby. Not many more years before that school sports practices and games and cruising the mean streets of Easton, hitting the power lines or Red Mill Road or somewhere to indulge in a few frosties, and more. (I probably should mention something about academics- I did graduate from high school and college. While neither was brain surgery some effort on my part wouldn't have hurt, either.) It doesn't seem all that long ago being a kid going off to North Easton Grammar School, playing up at Frothingham Park, family cookouts... None of it feels like 25, 30, 40 or more years ago.

And it's not about living in the past, tho' I sometimes have a tendency to do so; the cancer thing notwithstanding things are OK overall today, and there is something to be said for being a reasonably responsible- if not necessarily mature- adult. But sometimes it does all make me catch my breath and wonder "Whew, where did the time go?"

Seems somewhat apropos (especially the sex part...)

6.02.13

Summertime and the living is easy- a nice stretch of early summer heat we've had around here the past few days, sweet. And a good win by the Bruins last night to start off the Eastern Conference finals...

I had another CT scan a couple of weeks ago and received the results last week- about as expected. There were no new tumors on my liver, and no spread to any other organs; the existing tumors had increased in size, indicating some increased progression, or at least increased activity. Relatively speaking this was/is ok, as I am 2+ years into this now, and I had been off of any treatment for about a month and a half at that time. Being off of treatment wasn't bad, as my red counts and energy levels rose again; I've had some of the best runs and workouts I'd had since January. Still not where they should be, where I want them to be, but getting back there. I resume treatment tomorrow. We had planned/hoped to have me participate in a clinical trial being run through BIDMC as my next option but from what I understand the parameters of the trial had changed and I was/am currently ineligible. What my oncologist recommended as my next option instead was revisiting my initial treatment regimen (FOLFOX) and adding bevacizumab (try saying that three times fast) to it.

FOLFOX is an approximately 4.5 hour infusion process at the clinic, followed by a 46 hour infusion administered via a take-home pump (looks like I'm carrying around a rather unattractive purse for two days) which then gets disconnected. Treatment will be every other week. I had tolerated FOLFOX quite well previously, the worst side effects being some neuropathy in my fingertips and toes, and a six-day or so sensitivity immediately following treatment to anything cold; makes touching, eating, or drinking anything cold uncomfortable until the effect wears off (no cold beer dammit. Am I going to have to drink wine for a week??) I haven't been given bevacizumab before- as with any treatment there are potential side effects but hopefully they will be as mild/I will tolerate them as well as others previously.

Hopefully this will be effective in knocking back, or at least stabilizing, things again for awhile.