Thinking back over the last 2+ years, while obviously I'd still prefer to be a healthy asshole(!) I can't help but think how this experience with cancer has affected- changed?- me as a person and how, to some extent (again, I'd still prefer to be cancer-free) in a curious way it has been a blessing of some sorts. First and foremost it has made me a more grateful, appreciative person, more than anything toward the truly wonderful and outstanding people providing me with excellent care (not to be morbid but I could already be gone; the median prognosis for folks w/ stage IV colon cancer was/is a little over 2 years, meaning 50% of patients are gone by that point. A little over 2 years in for me now the cancer still seems to be relatively stable, no new growths or spread as of yet, the existing tumors waning and waxing depending upon how they've responded to various treatment regimens, my lab results still come back pretty well, and most importantly I still feel perfectly well, still able to do most everything I was doing prior to all of this.) But just as much grateful and appreciative to all of the people in my various walks of life, grateful for and appreciative of each day.
What I guess I've been most surprised about is that this hasn't turned me into a totally bitter, angry, negative person. While I don't believe I've ever been excessively pessimistic I don't think anyone would have called me Vito Sunshine either. I suppose a diagnosis of the sort that I received could have turned me bitter, angry, and negative. If anything I believe that I've become a somewhat more pleasant, thoughtful, and in a strange way positive person than I may have been in the past (I still get pissed when the Pats lose, but... ) Admittedly much of this is likely due to the fact that I still feel well, neither the cancer nor the treatments have yet to significantly impact my day-to-day life (beyond the 3-4 hour time suck every other Wednesday for treatment. Boring more than anything.) But moreso I've just been more willing, more able, to not sweat the small stuff as much, a better sense of what is and what is not so important. Similarly, tho' there are many things to take seriously I've found that I take myself less seriously than perhaps I did before. And I believe that I've become more willing to give others the benefit of the doubt, cut more slack than previously I might have, more tolerant of and sympathetic toward others. Maybe all of that is simply due to me wanting to leave people with a decent impression, decent memory of me but it has been an interesting surprise. I still need to work on being less-reserved around people, still need to learn to forgive myself for having been hurtful toward people, as well as for squandered and/or unseized-upon opportunities; I still need to learn how to cut myself some slack, accept that I cannot change or undo the past, live in the moment as they say. I'm working at it.
I don't write any of this to give myself a pat on the back- I should have been this way years ago (except for the cancer ;) ) Rather, it's more of an observation, hopefully an illustrative one, that kind of hits on the notion that, while we often can't control all that happens to us we can control how we react/respond to what happens to us- negatively or positively, embittered or pleasant, with pessimism or optimism, resignation or renewal, angry over what we may not have or appreciating what we do have.
Exerting control over how we respond to life's challenges can be an empowering thing,
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