Quick update: I had mentioned in a previous entry that one of the #'s my oncologist checks had risen somewhat noticeably. It rose again the next time they checked it as well, so she scheduled a CT scan to get a peek inside, see if the rise in # correlated with any new growth, spread, etc... I got the results the other day- NO new growth, no spread, everything looked the same as it did on my previous scan last January which, considering, looked damn good! While there is likely some increased metabolic action on the part of the cancer nothing new- yet- where anything has appeared. Suffice to say my doc- and I- were/are pleased!
5 miles this morning, 40 mins of StairMaster a little while ago- bulletproof!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
5.15.12
A bit of an observation/perspective entry...
I was having a discussion with a friend recently and we got on to the topic of things people did as kids, teens, etc... (I think it came up out of the reports about Mitt Romney allegedly teasing a fellow student back when he was in high school; to be fair and balanced there are accounts of President Obama engaging in less-than-admirable conduct when young as well. Neither of these are particularly relevant to issues such as: the economy, government deficits and debt, tax policy, healthcare policy, foreign policy, and more, but such is the state of much of the media today.) I made the point that many teenagers often do stupid, unthinking things, and that most learn from them and change as they mature, to which he said he doesn't know much about what kids who did those then are like now (he's been away from Easton for quite awhile.) I countered that likely some of the mature, responsible adults he has met over the years were perhaps not quite so mature and responsible when younger, and to maybe take that into consideration when, um, considering folks he did know from back then. And it's true; many people we meet in the post high school/post-college world, we don't know what they were like when younger. We generally accept them as they are now, not as what they may have been.
And it got me thinking about what I was sometimes like when younger, how I treated people, and also how people treated me. By and large I believe I was fairly unassuming, quiet even; for the most part if I wasn't especially friendly to a lot of people neither do I think I was particularly mean to many either- chalk it up to insecurity, immaturity, probably both. But occasionally I'm sure- I know- that I treated people poorly, disrespectfully, usually with alcohol playing some sort of supporting role. I don't believe I ever bullied anyone; I don't recall doing so, and I certainly hope that I did not (alcohol can make memories hazy sometimes.) And occasionally I was on the receiving end as well, catching shit, particularly from some of Easton's zoofs (a classic Eastonism!) It was just kids being kids; I never felt bullied. Similarly, in college, on those rare occasions when I had a few (yeah right) I sometimes was less-than-gentlemanly toward fellow students, particularly of the female persuasion (again, I believe as a result of insecurity and immaturity fueled with alcohol. And I wonder why I didn't do better with the ladies while in college... tho' somehow it worked for Bob Floyd.) Thankfully, I believe that I've- reasonably- matured.
Some of this is obviously a result of pondering my mortality. I've mentioned in prior posts that I know that I was an a**hole at times and looking back obviously regret being so (tho' Mimi Meade commented awhile back that she never thought of me as an a**hole- thanks, Mimi!) I'd like to think that, whether on the giving or receiving end, hopefully we can accept us for who we are now, and not harbor grudges, petty or even real, from years, decades past. I don't harbor any. None of us can change our pasts, undo some of the less-savory things we may have said or done. The best we can do is try to make amends if/as possible, learn from our misdeeds, be tolerant and forgiving of the misdeeds others may have done to us, and to accept people as they are now. Because we've all done thoughtless things at one time or another.
I was having a discussion with a friend recently and we got on to the topic of things people did as kids, teens, etc... (I think it came up out of the reports about Mitt Romney allegedly teasing a fellow student back when he was in high school; to be fair and balanced there are accounts of President Obama engaging in less-than-admirable conduct when young as well. Neither of these are particularly relevant to issues such as: the economy, government deficits and debt, tax policy, healthcare policy, foreign policy, and more, but such is the state of much of the media today.) I made the point that many teenagers often do stupid, unthinking things, and that most learn from them and change as they mature, to which he said he doesn't know much about what kids who did those then are like now (he's been away from Easton for quite awhile.) I countered that likely some of the mature, responsible adults he has met over the years were perhaps not quite so mature and responsible when younger, and to maybe take that into consideration when, um, considering folks he did know from back then. And it's true; many people we meet in the post high school/post-college world, we don't know what they were like when younger. We generally accept them as they are now, not as what they may have been.
And it got me thinking about what I was sometimes like when younger, how I treated people, and also how people treated me. By and large I believe I was fairly unassuming, quiet even; for the most part if I wasn't especially friendly to a lot of people neither do I think I was particularly mean to many either- chalk it up to insecurity, immaturity, probably both. But occasionally I'm sure- I know- that I treated people poorly, disrespectfully, usually with alcohol playing some sort of supporting role. I don't believe I ever bullied anyone; I don't recall doing so, and I certainly hope that I did not (alcohol can make memories hazy sometimes.) And occasionally I was on the receiving end as well, catching shit, particularly from some of Easton's zoofs (a classic Eastonism!) It was just kids being kids; I never felt bullied. Similarly, in college, on those rare occasions when I had a few (yeah right) I sometimes was less-than-gentlemanly toward fellow students, particularly of the female persuasion (again, I believe as a result of insecurity and immaturity fueled with alcohol. And I wonder why I didn't do better with the ladies while in college... tho' somehow it worked for Bob Floyd.) Thankfully, I believe that I've- reasonably- matured.
Some of this is obviously a result of pondering my mortality. I've mentioned in prior posts that I know that I was an a**hole at times and looking back obviously regret being so (tho' Mimi Meade commented awhile back that she never thought of me as an a**hole- thanks, Mimi!) I'd like to think that, whether on the giving or receiving end, hopefully we can accept us for who we are now, and not harbor grudges, petty or even real, from years, decades past. I don't harbor any. None of us can change our pasts, undo some of the less-savory things we may have said or done. The best we can do is try to make amends if/as possible, learn from our misdeeds, be tolerant and forgiving of the misdeeds others may have done to us, and to accept people as they are now. Because we've all done thoughtless things at one time or another.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
5.08.12
People talk about fighting cancer; in some cases I am sure that is true. What has been and continues to be most maddening about this to me is that there is nothing I can do, directly, to fight it, to beat it back, to defeat it. Yeah, I can maintain a healthy diet and keep myself in best shape as I can physically and yes these do make and keep me healthy and strong overall but they do nothing to directly affect the cancer itself. The analogy I've often used is rehabbing an injury, or setting and letting heal a broken bone; thru specific and targeted exercises and therapy over time that injury can be strengthened and healed, by setting a broken bone and doing whatever it is needed to do (again, therapy, or even simply staying off of it) to mend it I can. I can do those things, directly. But with this... the only real thing I do that directly impacts and- hopefully- beats back the cancer is to sit in a Barcalounger in a clinic every two weeks and get pumped full of poisons. I know I drive my med people crazy obsessing over this but it is the lack of personal ability to and personal control over what I can do to help beat this thing back that is so maddening. It's not their care that I'm disappointed with; I'm receiving the best care and treatment that I could ask for, by truly committed and compassionate people. But it's just that- receiving- rather than doing something pro-actively that directly affects and, again, hopefully improves my condition that is perhaps the most frustrating thing about all of this.
Closing in on one year it is still difficult to accept that I cannot be in control over this, that I cannot, thru my own efforts, beat and defeat this thing, that I'm at the mercy of others and the effectiveness of what they alone do for me. I suppose I have to figure out how to deal with and accept that, frustrating as it is. I'm not letting what I cannot do interfere with what I can do (to paraphrase John Wooden)- I just would like to be able to do more, from my end.
Hell, maybe it's just the weather here today...
Closing in on one year it is still difficult to accept that I cannot be in control over this, that I cannot, thru my own efforts, beat and defeat this thing, that I'm at the mercy of others and the effectiveness of what they alone do for me. I suppose I have to figure out how to deal with and accept that, frustrating as it is. I'm not letting what I cannot do interfere with what I can do (to paraphrase John Wooden)- I just would like to be able to do more, from my end.
Hell, maybe it's just the weather here today...
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