12.15.11

It's been kind of fascinating to see how the seemingly bizarre can come to seem fairly normal and routine.

If anyone had mentioned to me seven-plus months ago that I'd find myself sitting in a Barcolounger at a clinic in Boston every two weeks getting pumped full of poisons for five hours through a device implanted in my chest, followed by two days of lugging around a purse-like take home pump with tubing that snakes up under my shirt to pump more poisons through said device (I'm currently attached. I always worry that someone on the T or train, seeing those tubes running up under my shirt from a bag, is going to think I'm a terrorist packing a bomb. Perhaps I just don't have quite the, um, look, of a terrorist!) before returning to have the IV tubing disconnected, port flushed, and sent on my way for another couple of weeks, and told me that it would come to seem normal, seem routine, I'd have thought they were crazy. And obviously it is not the norm; most people (fortunately) do not undergo such a thing.

But for someone such as myself who, prior to all of this, had been pretty healthy, never needing much in the way of medical care, certainly not intensive, on-going treatment, suddenly finding myself having to undergo the above... The thing that I've found interesting is how relatively easy it has been to adapt to such things. Changes come around in everyone's lives, positive and negative; new job/loss of job, relocating, new relationships/loss of relationships, marriage/divorce, kids, and yes, health issues too. Some people are great at accepting and dealing with changes; adapting, learning, and growing from them. Others, not so much. More often than not I've been in the latter category, often not accepting, adapting to, or embracing aspects of change until too late. Yet I've been surprised at how seemingly well I have been able to adapt to this- pretty radical- change in my routine, in my life. Much credit for that ease of adaptability must go to my medical team, for taking the time and effort to explain things fully and thoroughly, to acclimate me to what the treatment involves, and for making it as pleasant, comfortable, and seemingly normal an experience as something like that can possibly be. (The worst part? Excepting the sensitivity to cold following treatment, the sheer boredom of sitting there for about five hours, even with TV, books, 'Net access, tunes, etc... That, and the smell; I've come to call it chemo smell. I don't know if it is the smell of the various drugs being used on patients, supplies, disinfectant/cleaning materials, or what, but the clinic has a unique, and odd, smell of it's own.) But also being diagnosed with and facing the illness I have has changed my focus, made me more tolerant and accepting of a lot of things, be they medical procedures, treatments, and everything involved with those, but also human frailties, quirks, and imperfections (tho' it's still somehow easier to tolerate and accept those in others than in myself) and simply not sweating many of the small things that in the past I often would. Saying "life's too short" is a little too morbid; "life's too precious"/"life's worth living" are perhaps more positive expressions.

And really- what choice do any of us have but to adapt to change?

12.07.11

My cousin Cheryl posted the following excerpt on her Facebook wall recently; I thought it was worthy of note:

Top Five Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.
From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.
Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one.
Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.
They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Not trying to be morbid- I don't appear to be on death's doorstep yet. (Whew!)  But there are many thoughtful insights in the above passage, applicable even moreso to those with the time and the health to do something about them. None of these mean anyone has to give up their everyday lives, the seeking to strive and thrive in the larger world. But sometimes- and I know I have, and probably sometimes still do- we can lose sight of some of the above; easy enough to do when pressed with the demands of daily life. Achievement and success certainly have their place. And it's not about being excessively touchy-feely; many people are uncomfortable with that. But seeking to balance achievement and success with some of the above would seem to leave us in a- what?- more fulfilled, more enriched, more human life and experience, both when people have the time and health to do so and also when, facing the end, to be at greater peace with the choices, with the life, we've all tried to live.

Before I close I'd be remiss not to give an 'attagirl to my sister-in-law Margaret, who was just recently declared cancer-free after a year of, at times quite grueling, treatment. Congratulations!

12.03.11

I've been thinking a lot about the recent child sex abuse situations at Penn State and Syracuse. Beyond the anger and disgust over the obvious- that children were abused at the hands of adults, especially adults considered responsible pillars of their respective communities- the fact that both cases involved athletics also angers me. I'm not naive; I know fully well that there can be- and are- vile, degenerate, amoral people in all walks of life. But these cases, particularly given the reputations of Penn State football and Syracuse basketball as relative paragons of virtue in the sometimes-seedy world of big time college athletics... To me these allegations are far more distressful, far more damning than the more-typical allegations and violations surrounding recruiting, admissions allowances, illegal payments to athletes, academic violations, etc... due to the perverse nature of the allegations as well as the fact that they weren't done to gain any competitive edge but instead because someone in a position of power and authority used their power and authority for selfish, abusive, perverse ends, harming the victims, their families, and their respective programs and universities.

Again, I don't believe that I'm especially naive. I'm aware that anyone- or anything- has the potential to be corrupted. But I've always sort of believed that athletics, especially amateur athletics, is something that should be more pure, more- what?- wholesome, more good than most other spheres or institutions in our society. Religion is another. But as has been seen with the Catholic Church sex-abuse scandals now we are seeing here; underlings abusing their positions of power and influence and their higher-ups turning a blind eye toward or attempting to cover up for them in an effort to protect the image of their respective- and formerly respected- institutions. It serves to create distrust toward the majority of, take your pick, priests or coaches who are doing and always have done the right things, creates antipathy toward the Catholic Church, Penn State, and Syracuse, or more broadly toward religion or college athletics, and creates cynicism about things that ought to be considered good.

And they all brought it upon themselves.