6.30.11

I had my ileostomy reversal done last Friday, at which time they also installed a porta-cath device to be used to administer chemo meds once I begin that (likely early/mid August.) Everything apparently went well, and I"m very glad to be rid of the pouch, et al... Now that I'm able to eat, digest, and absorb food more normally again, as well as feel more comfortable and confident getting around, exercising (still only cleared to walk right now, dammit!) etc... sans the pouch I can begin to regain some stamina, strength, and weight.

I want to thank Jim Ford for coming by to see me Saturday- it was great to see you again Big Jim, it had been too long. I wasn't looking at the top of my game (unshaven, scraggly hair, scrawny... come to think of it, 'cept for the scrawny part, that sounds like how I looked most Sunday mornings in college.) One thing among many this experience has brought into focus is how easy it is to let time slip away, to put off seeing or doing X, thinking that there will always be time to see or to do X. It was great to catch up with you Jim, as well as reminisce over memories of that House of Horrors known as 14 Elm St! I also want to thank Jim for his insights, experiences, etc... dealing with cancer diagnoses, treatments, and more; I imagine I'll be picking your brain more throughout this experience. And of course I want to thank my sister for all of her help dealing with everything, re. me and my mom, the last week+ Your help was invaluable, I can't begin to express how much. Thank you, more than you know.

One thing I'm having a little difficulty doing is accepting the many offers and wishes of support, assistance, simply interest, from so many people, trying to straddle that line of not wanting to be a pain in the ass to others while not simply shunning or ignoring those offers and wishes, or how to adequately, and/or graciously, respond to those offers and wishes. At times I do feel unworthy of them, and it has been very humbling to realize there are a lot of good people who truly care, especially given my at times- what?- prickly nature, or assholeness, or something. I have become better in those regards as I've- somewhat- matured, but the interest and support I've already received from so many has truly given me pause to consider how I treat others. If this helps me to become a somewhat more caring, considerate, kind person, that's not a bad thing (tho' I might still rather be a healthy a**hole! Kidding...)

Another thing I'm still having a difficult time wrapping my mind around is the why over all of this. I mentioned previously that I've always believed that for every question there is an answer, for every effect there is a cause. With this I just can't seem to see that answer, identify that cause. I realize at some point it simply becomes little more than an exercise in mental masturbation; whatever the answer, whatever the cause, it is what it is, and I know that I have to accept that, but right now it is still frustrating for me to be unable to pinpoint some answer, some cause.

6.21.11

From the When It Rains It Pours Department...

I just spent the better part of today at the hospital... not for me, for my mom. She was admitted after an emergency trip for a DVT, part of which apparently broke off and went to her lung. Much like my recent illness this also came pretty much out of the blue- she had noticed a knot in her leg the other day (apparently that was the clot) but, except for it being sore she didn't have any other symptoms until it got very sore and she also found herself very short of breath (the lung issue.) Compounding this is the fact that my sister-in-law just had a mastectomy a little over a week ago, hence my brother really couldn't/can't come down from Maine, and my sister lives in the Caribbean and won't be able to get into Boston until tomorrow evening, if all flights connect properly. I'll handle it- I have to- but I'm not necessarily at the top of my game myself, and I have surgery I'm looking at later this week as well.

Not looking for sympathy but I'll tell ya- it's days like today where I wish I still drank heavily.

6.16.11

Congrats to the Bruins! What an outstanding playoff run and Finals series, and a convincing win on Vancouver's home ice last night to take the Cup. Tim Thomas was phenomenal throughout, and Vancouver just never seemed to have a response to the Bruins' style of play. To me the only recent local championship that tops this was the Patriots' first Super Bowl victory. Great job, Bruins!

Some good news on my health front; I'm scheduled to have my ileostomy reversed a week from tomorrow (6/24; they will also be installing a port-a-cath device at that time, which will be used to administer chemo drugs once I begin that.) This is good news, in that they had originally said I might have it anywhere from 2-6 months. While I'm fully aware of the larger health issue hanging over me, in terms of sheer annoyance the ileostomy has been a b*tch, and I'll be glad to be shed of it. I'll likely be in the hospital for 3-5 days after the surgery. And as I currently understand the thinking is still that they would like to begin my chemo treatment mid/late July, perhaps early August. We shall see.

One thing that is killing me (perhaps I should rephrase that) is that I haven't been able to work out since, really, the last time was the end of April. This is prime running weather, and to see so many people out there, at all hours of the day, while the most I can do right now is walk, has been tough. I really got into running these last 10 years or so but didn't think I'd miss it as much as I have. It makes me feel lazy, and makes me feel jealous of those who are out there, dammit! And lifting and hitting the gym, too- while I don't need to be able to bench press a Buick I'm shocked at how much muscle mass and all I've lost so quickly. Or even just a good, hard 45 mins on the StairMaster. Again, it makes me feel lazy and makes me feel jealous of those who are able to do so. Running and working out are ways to keep my mind additionally occupied as well as provide a boost emotionally and, of course, keeping me stronger and fit physically, strength and fitness I'll need. Hopefully I'll be cleared to start running again mid-July and lifting perhaps by August (of course I'll then have to work that around, and see how I feel, vis a vis chemo treatments and all.)

6.11.11

This one is probably going to be a bit more introspective and personal, but part of the purpose to this is to write down what you’re going through...the reactions you’re getting from others...the plans you must make/change...the way you see/perceive things through this particular looking glass. So toward that end... I've previously mentioned that the genuine interest, concern, and support I've received from so many has been greatly appreciated. Even more, it has been extremely humbling, to the point that I almost feel unworthy of the well-wishes and support I have received from so many. When I previously wrote that if anyone wants to kick sand in my face, now is the time (there are a lot of people I probably deserve that from!) I was only being partially facetious, particularly about the deserving that part. As I recently remarked to a friend:  I've been humbled by the outreach and support I've received from so many good people, past and present, especially as, and I'm the first to admit it, at times I wasn't always the nicest of people (I know I could be an a**hole at times, due as much to insecurity and immaturity as much as anything- and I have matured- but still not an excuse.)

Looking back there were a lot of people I treated poorly throughout my life. If you were one of my good friends you were probably spared, but so many other people... Any of you who know me can probably come up with numerous examples of that behavior. I like to think it was less out of malevolence than out of the insecurity and immaturity that I referenced (often fueled by having a drink or ten more than I should have had.) I'm not sure why... Unless I knew you pretty well part of it was- is?- keeping people at arm's length, attempting to appear- at best- cool and indifferent, at worst cold and uncaring, disrespecting or hurting people pro-actively, before they had the chance to disrespect or hurt me, a do it to them before they can do it to you mentality. And with very few exceptions, that was never a reflection upon how people actually treated me, but a reflection of my own incredible insecurity. Too often, I never gave a lot of people a chance period, to like me or to loathe me, instead simply pushing them away through my attitude, my behavior. And while it probably hurt them temporarily, ultimately it likely hurt me even more, denying myself the opportunities to befriend, to support, to care about and in turn be befriended, supported and cared about by so many others.

It's taken me a long time to mature in that way. While not perfect, I had become a better person in that regard, long before any of my health issues arose, tho' at times I still have a difficult time reaching out to people- even people I know well and care very much about- as much as I'd like. I'm still hardly a touchy-feely person. Which, especially now and given the outreach and support I've received from so many, makes me feel somewhat unworthy of that outreach and support. I have and do care about and treat people better than I did when I was younger, and I do like and feel better about myself as a result. But I still can't help but think about the way I treated too many people in my past, knowing there's likely very little way I can make it up to them, and knowing that's the lasting impression they have of me (if they have one at all.) I guess the best I can do is to just try and pay it forward as they say... Maybe that's called maturity.
(See? This is the maudlin kind of stuff I hope to avoid!)

6.06.11

The Bruins need to get it done tonight. What sucks is that they've played pretty well on the road- they could easily have been coming back to Boston with a split or even a 2-0 lead themselves. Just some tough breaks, some late mistakes, but things that can be corrected as opposed to simply being overmatched. Hopefully they'll get back into it tonight.

I've lost a lot of weight. I've been a lot of things in life- average shape, decent shape, bulked up, beer bellied, fat, very fat, and for the last 10 years or so relatively fit and lean. This is the first time in my life I've ever been scrawny. Admittedly I haven't been eating all that well lately (due first to simply feeling ill, now mostly due to ileostomy system issues- don't ask) as well as the fact that I haven't been able to lift in well over a month and I've lost a considerable amount of muscle mass, particularly upper body mass. Tough too is that, due to the ileostomy, I've had to change the way that I eat; slowly, smaller bites, chew very well- in short, eating civilized- whereas before you could put anything down in front of me and I'd wolf it down in 3 minutes. Eating slowly, etc... fills me up sooner, hence I simply don't eat as much as I did before. This morning I weighed 143 lbs, which is the lightest I've been since 8th grade; if anyone wants to kick sand in my face, now is the time (there are a lot of people I probably deserve that from!)  Hopefully I won't lose much more and can begin to put some weight back on. The odd thing is that, truthfully, except for feeling a bit fatigued (due to poor sleep and the aforementioned weight loss) otherwise I feel good, feel fine.

I came across this in Peter King's SI column today:

"I always felt like you really do a better job with less time than more time because when you have less time you focus immediately on what's of the utmost importance. Whereas when you have a lot of time to deliberate as to what to do, a lot of times you kind of get off on little tangents.''- Bill Parcells

For obvious reasons that quote says a few things to me currently. I've always had the mindset that I can put off X for the moment because there will always be time to do X; if nothing else this whole thing has made clear to me that, in fact, there isn't always time. Trite perhaps, but true.

Go B's!

6.03.11

Following the advice of Phi Mu Delta brother Jim Floyd:
You always said you wanted a shot at becoming a writer...well the time to write is right now.

Use some of your time to write down what you’re going through...the reactions you’re getting from others...the plans you must make/change...the way you see/perceive things through this particular looking glass.

If nothing else, it will prove an exercise that gives you focus and perspective.

If this proves too self-indulgent, I'll lay it on you, Jim! (I'd still rather be the next Robert Parker or Dennis Lehane, but... )

Briefly: a little over a month ago I came down with sudden, and very severe, abdominal pain. At first I assumed it was simply something I ate but after 14 hours or so of non-stop pain I visited the local ER where, upon performing both a CT scan and an ultrasound several lesions were discovered on my liver, and they suggested that I follow up on that via a primary care doc ASAP. At the time I didn't have a primary care as, for the last 10 or so years, I've had no health issues and in fact have probably been in the best shape physically in my life. My sister suggested a clinic in Boston she was familiar with (due to her prior career in medicine) where I did find a PC (he's very good.) In the interim I ended up making two more visits to the local ER that week, due, again, to severe pain (and I usually have a pretty high threshold to/tolerance for pain) as well as a lot of vomiting. The second week found the vomiting pass but not the pain. I'd also lost quite a bit of weight (and for those who haven't seen me in many years, for the last 10 years or so I've weighed about 160 lbs, so I really didn't have all that much I could afford to lose.) While this was happening my PC made several requests to the local hospital to send along the results of their tests which, for whatever reason/s, they did not. Eventually he had me come in again to the clinic in Boston, and from there sent me over to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center to, once again, have a CT scan, X-Ray, and some other tests done. A blockage was found in my colon, a very serious one, one which required emergency surgery that evening. I was also told that evening that it likely was cancerous, as likely were the lesions on my liver. Not the best of nights. And apparently this was all serious and, I guess, life-threatening enough that I was given the Last Rites prior to surgery. I can remember eventually being wheeled into what seemed to be a dimly-lit operating room, and really didn't- and don't- remember much after that. Apparently I was on the table for just about five hours (they removed the colon obstruction, biopsied some of my liver, and also had to do an ileostomy on me.)

I remained in BI-Deaconess for ten days, recovering from the surgery itself, getting used to my ileostomy (the current bane of my existence- thankfully it's not permanent, and may be reversed sooner than expected, but it truly sucks) and awaiting the results of the pathology tests on the colon and liver pieces. The care I received was excellent; apart from the ER trips I'd never been in the hospital for anything other than a knee 'scope back in high school. The last time I was overnight in a hospital was when I was born. The work of the nurses was phenomenal; I've never seen anyone work harder than they. And I never realized just how many people were employed by a hospital; from the cleaning staff to the white coats and everyone in-between it's like a small army.

Eventually I received the results of the path report: stage 4 colon cancer, with metastasis to my liver. As my sister was driving me to an appointment with the hemo/oncology team to more fully discuss the results this came on the car radio, and really seems to sum up where I am right now: Allman Brothers Band - Soulshine. Once I'm deemed sufficiently recovered from the surgery itself the recommended course of treatment will be chemo. I have some familiarity with it, as, unfortunately, my sister-in-law is currently undergoing somewhat similar treatment, for breast cancer. It can't be cured, only treated. As currently stands, the median prognosis is a little over two years; obviously some go longer, some shorter.

Suffice to say, this came totally out of the blue. Until the sudden pain I had the beginning of May I felt fine; was running at 5:30am, hitting the gym, cardio, eating pretty cleanly, light-to-at-most-occasionally-moderate drinking, you name it, and had been for the better part of the last 10+ years, and had no other health issues prior to that. I'd had no reason to seek any medical treatment because I believed I was taking good care of myself and I felt fine. Further, at my age a colonoscopy wouldn't even have been recommended for another 4-5 years or so. What's frustrating (actually, what isn't) right now is simply the why. I've always believed that for every question there is an answer, for every effect there is a cause. Yet no one can give me one for this. As my primary care doctor accurately put it: "Basically, you got screwed." Suddenly finding myself so dependent has been and is humbling. The one bright lining to all of this has been the tremendous outpouring of genuine interest and support I've received from so many, be they family, friends, fraternity brothers, medical staff, you name 'em. It's the one way I've felt blessed throughout all of this so far. Thank you all, more than you know.

I'm not really sure where I'll be going with this. I don't want it to simply be a litany of gloom-and-doom; no one wants nor needs that, including me. Hopefully it won't be too self-indulgent. And if it is, blame Jim for starting me on it! Schmegma!