I had my ileostomy reversal done last Friday, at which time they also installed a porta-cath device to be used to administer chemo meds once I begin that (likely early/mid August.) Everything apparently went well, and I"m very glad to be rid of the pouch, et al... Now that I'm able to eat, digest, and absorb food more normally again, as well as feel more comfortable and confident getting around, exercising (still only cleared to walk right now, dammit!) etc... sans the pouch I can begin to regain some stamina, strength, and weight.
I want to thank Jim Ford for coming by to see me Saturday- it was great to see you again Big Jim, it had been too long. I wasn't looking at the top of my game (unshaven, scraggly hair, scrawny... come to think of it, 'cept for the scrawny part, that sounds like how I looked most Sunday mornings in college.) One thing among many this experience has brought into focus is how easy it is to let time slip away, to put off seeing or doing X, thinking that there will always be time to see or to do X. It was great to catch up with you Jim, as well as reminisce over memories of that House of Horrors known as 14 Elm St! I also want to thank Jim for his insights, experiences, etc... dealing with cancer diagnoses, treatments, and more; I imagine I'll be picking your brain more throughout this experience. And of course I want to thank my sister for all of her help dealing with everything, re. me and my mom, the last week+ Your help was invaluable, I can't begin to express how much. Thank you, more than you know.
One thing I'm having a little difficulty doing is accepting the many offers and wishes of support, assistance, simply interest, from so many people, trying to straddle that line of not wanting to be a pain in the ass to others while not simply shunning or ignoring those offers and wishes, or how to adequately, and/or graciously, respond to those offers and wishes. At times I do feel unworthy of them, and it has been very humbling to realize there are a lot of good people who truly care, especially given my at times- what?- prickly nature, or assholeness, or something. I have become better in those regards as I've- somewhat- matured, but the interest and support I've already received from so many has truly given me pause to consider how I treat others. If this helps me to become a somewhat more caring, considerate, kind person, that's not a bad thing (tho' I might still rather be a healthy a**hole! Kidding...)
Another thing I'm still having a difficult time wrapping my mind around is the why over all of this. I mentioned previously that I've always believed that for every question there is an answer, for every effect there is a cause. With this I just can't seem to see that answer, identify that cause. I realize at some point it simply becomes little more than an exercise in mental masturbation; whatever the answer, whatever the cause, it is what it is, and I know that I have to accept that, but right now it is still frustrating for me to be unable to pinpoint some answer, some cause.
