You always said you wanted a shot at becoming a writer...well the time to write is right now.
Use some of your time to write down what you’re going through...the reactions you’re getting from others...the plans you must make/change...the way you see/perceive things through this particular looking glass.
If nothing else, it will prove an exercise that gives you focus and perspective.
If this proves too self-indulgent, I'll lay it on you, Jim! (I'd still rather be the next Robert Parker or Dennis Lehane, but... )
Briefly: a little over a month ago I came down with sudden, and very severe, abdominal pain. At first I assumed it was simply something I ate but after 14 hours or so of non-stop pain I visited the local ER where, upon performing both a CT scan and an ultrasound several lesions were discovered on my liver, and they suggested that I follow up on that via a primary care doc ASAP. At the time I didn't have a primary care as, for the last 10 or so years, I've had no health issues and in fact have probably been in the best shape physically in my life. My sister suggested a clinic in Boston she was familiar with (due to her prior career in medicine) where I did find a PC (he's very good.) In the interim I ended up making two more visits to the local ER that week, due, again, to severe pain (and I usually have a pretty high threshold to/tolerance for pain) as well as a lot of vomiting. The second week found the vomiting pass but not the pain. I'd also lost quite a bit of weight (and for those who haven't seen me in many years, for the last 10 years or so I've weighed about 160 lbs, so I really didn't have all that much I could afford to lose.) While this was happening my PC made several requests to the local hospital to send along the results of their tests which, for whatever reason/s, they did not. Eventually he had me come in again to the clinic in Boston, and from there sent me over to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center to, once again, have a CT scan, X-Ray, and some other tests done. A blockage was found in my colon, a very serious one, one which required emergency surgery that evening. I was also told that evening that it likely was cancerous, as likely were the lesions on my liver. Not the best of nights. And apparently this was all serious and, I guess, life-threatening enough that I was given the Last Rites prior to surgery. I can remember eventually being wheeled into what seemed to be a dimly-lit operating room, and really didn't- and don't- remember much after that. Apparently I was on the table for just about five hours (they removed the colon obstruction, biopsied some of my liver, and also had to do an ileostomy on me.)
I remained in BI-Deaconess for ten days, recovering from the surgery itself, getting used to my ileostomy (the current bane of my existence- thankfully it's not permanent, and may be reversed sooner than expected, but it truly sucks) and awaiting the results of the pathology tests on the colon and liver pieces. The care I received was excellent; apart from the ER trips I'd never been in the hospital for anything other than a knee 'scope back in high school. The last time I was overnight in a hospital was when I was born. The work of the nurses was phenomenal; I've never seen anyone work harder than they. And I never realized just how many people were employed by a hospital; from the cleaning staff to the white coats and everyone in-between it's like a small army.
Eventually I received the results of the path report: stage 4 colon cancer, with metastasis to my liver. As my sister was driving me to an appointment with the hemo/oncology team to more fully discuss the results this came on the car radio, and really seems to sum up where I am right now: Allman Brothers Band - Soulshine. Once I'm deemed sufficiently recovered from the surgery itself the recommended course of treatment will be chemo. I have some familiarity with it, as, unfortunately, my sister-in-law is currently undergoing somewhat similar treatment, for breast cancer. It can't be cured, only treated. As currently stands, the median prognosis is a little over two years; obviously some go longer, some shorter.
Suffice to say, this came totally out of the blue. Until the sudden pain I had the beginning of May I felt fine; was running at 5:30am, hitting the gym, cardio, eating pretty cleanly, light-to-at-most-occasionally-moderate drinking, you name it, and had been for the better part of the last 10+ years, and had no other health issues prior to that. I'd had no reason to seek any medical treatment because I believed I was taking good care of myself and I felt fine. Further, at my age a colonoscopy wouldn't even have been recommended for another 4-5 years or so. What's frustrating (actually, what isn't) right now is simply the why. I've always believed that for every question there is an answer, for every effect there is a cause. Yet no one can give me one for this. As my primary care doctor accurately put it: "Basically, you got screwed." Suddenly finding myself so dependent has been and is humbling. The one bright lining to all of this has been the tremendous outpouring of genuine interest and support I've received from so many, be they family, friends, fraternity brothers, medical staff, you name 'em. It's the one way I've felt blessed throughout all of this so far. Thank you all, more than you know.
I'm not really sure where I'll be going with this. I don't want it to simply be a litany of gloom-and-doom; no one wants nor needs that, including me. Hopefully it won't be too self-indulgent. And if it is, blame Jim for starting me on it! Schmegma!
