This one is probably going to be a bit more introspective and personal, but part of the purpose to this is to write down what you’re going through...the reactions you’re getting from others...the plans you must make/change...the way you see/perceive things through this particular looking glass. So toward that end... I've previously mentioned that the genuine interest, concern, and support I've received from so many has been greatly appreciated. Even more, it has been extremely humbling, to the point that I almost feel unworthy of the well-wishes and support I have received from so many. When I previously wrote that if anyone wants to kick sand in my face, now is the time (there are a lot of people I probably deserve that from!) I was only being partially facetious, particularly about the deserving that part. As I recently remarked to a friend: I've been humbled by the outreach and support I've received from so many good people, past and present, especially as, and I'm the first to admit it, at times I wasn't always the nicest of people (I know I could be an a**hole at times, due as much to insecurity and immaturity as much as anything- and I have matured- but still not an excuse.)
Looking back there were a lot of people I treated poorly throughout my life. If you were one of my good friends you were probably spared, but so many other people... Any of you who know me can probably come up with numerous examples of that behavior. I like to think it was less out of malevolence than out of the insecurity and immaturity that I referenced (often fueled by having a drink or ten more than I should have had.) I'm not sure why... Unless I knew you pretty well part of it was- is?- keeping people at arm's length, attempting to appear- at best- cool and indifferent, at worst cold and uncaring, disrespecting or hurting people pro-actively, before they had the chance to disrespect or hurt me, a do it to them before they can do it to you mentality. And with very few exceptions, that was never a reflection upon how people actually treated me, but a reflection of my own incredible insecurity. Too often, I never gave a lot of people a chance period, to like me or to loathe me, instead simply pushing them away through my attitude, my behavior. And while it probably hurt them temporarily, ultimately it likely hurt me even more, denying myself the opportunities to befriend, to support, to care about and in turn be befriended, supported and cared about by so many others.
It's taken me a long time to mature in that way. While not perfect, I had become a better person in that regard, long before any of my health issues arose, tho' at times I still have a difficult time reaching out to people- even people I know well and care very much about- as much as I'd like. I'm still hardly a touchy-feely person. Which, especially now and given the outreach and support I've received from so many, makes me feel somewhat unworthy of that outreach and support. I have and do care about and treat people better than I did when I was younger, and I do like and feel better about myself as a result. But I still can't help but think about the way I treated too many people in my past, knowing there's likely very little way I can make it up to them, and knowing that's the lasting impression they have of me (if they have one at all.) I guess the best I can do is to just try and pay it forward as they say... Maybe that's called maturity.
(See? This is the maudlin kind of stuff I hope to avoid!)
