U2 once sang "Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own." I've been determined to prove that false re. my cancer. I've endeavored to assert my will over my cancer, not vice versa.
Control. Perhaps the most difficult thing re. all of this has been the possibility of having to give up control. I've mentioned over and over the frustration of not being able to control what is going on within my own body, and that is something I likely will never adequately accept. I do have the utmost faith and confidence in the care and choices that my oncologist has presented me with; I trust in her judgment implicitly. But as much as I cannot control the cancer itself I can control what I wish to do about it, how I wish to have it treated. Those are ultimately my decisions, my choices, ultimately it is up to me to control what I wish to do in terms of treatment.
Similarly I have not wanted to give up control over myself, become dependent upon others. I have had so many good- no, great- people offer me all sorts of assistance and support, be it driving me to treatment and other doc appointments (or giving me public ridicule- always welcomed!) offering to visit me while I've been undergoing treatment, etc... offering to allow me to vent. I appreciate these, much more than you folks know. The offers are truly touching, and humbling. But from the get-go with this one thing I've been determined more than anything else not to do is to be a burden upon nor a bother to anyone. Besides the fact that many people have significant issues in their own lives to deal with and overcome- ideally I'd like to be the one who is there for them, I'm far more comfortable in that role- I also do not feel comfortable giving up that sense of control over myself that comes from letting others do too much for me. Again, I do not- can not?- want to be a burden or a bother to anyone, nor dependent upon anyone. I'm more comfortable being there for others, in whatever way/s I can.
Lastly, and not to be morbid as- hopefully!- this choice is still quite a ways off but when that time inevitably comes when things take that last turn for the worse, I will control, it will be my choice, how to handle the end game. I'll make that choice, I will not let cancer make it for me.
The ultimate control.
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