One thing that has been challenging for me since all of this began was/is figuring out how, or even if, to, how to put it, get closer to or allow people to get closer to me. It probably sounds contradictory given the nature of this blog but, as anyone who knows me reasonably well knows, I've never been the most out-going of people. I'm comfortable with people that I've known well for a long time but befriending, meeting, getting to know people I maybe didn't/don't know as well, or making new acquaintances, well, that's always been a bit difficult for me (especially sober!) Distant, reserved probably best describe. While in some ways the last few years, given what I know re. my health, has made me somewhat more outgoing- friendlier even?!- than I probably was pre-diagnosis, that knowledge can also prove limiting. How much, how many people, do I want to get close to, or more importantly, allow to get close to me, given that my long-term is far more short-term than I ever anticipated just a few years ago? So many people have been so good, so supportive, so kind... I don't want to hurt or disappoint them by my not- likely- being around all that long; that's not fair to them. Perhaps it sounds arrogant but I'd like people to think reasonably well of me after I'm gone and much of that, to my mindset, is not hurting or disappointing people, nor being a burden or bother to anyone. It's less about me than it is about others; I do endeavor to do my best on that score. I guess it's destined to be a balancing act, one I probably won't adequately resolve but will try to err on the side of putting others first. Just thinking out loud I guess... (or maybe it's the weather!)
None of this is to mean my demise is imminent. I still feel great, we still have a few tricks left in the hat to try and continue to keep this manageable- no need to start that pool yet! But part of what Jim Floyd suggested way back when I first started this blog was:
Use some of your time to write down what you’re going through...the reactions you’re getting from others...the plans you must make/change...the way you see/perceive things through this particular looking glass.
If nothing else, it will prove an exercise that gives you focus and perspective.
If anyone gets anything out of this blog beyond a far-too revealing into my warped mindset, it will have been meaningful.
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