I believe I've put my finger on the thing that aggravates me the most about the whole cancer thing; the lack of control I have to affect and/or master something going on within my own body.
About 10-11 years ago I lost a lot of weight that I had put on over the preceding decade or so, roughly 120 lbs. It took effort, it took time, but by my consistently maintaining an eating regimen that worked for me (higher protein/lower carbs, if anyone is interested) and consistency in (and increasing as I became more fit again) an exercise regimen I was able to do it. I mastered my weight; my weight didn't master me. Similarly, if I wish to increase my muscle mass and strength, increase my speed running, etc... through my efforts I can do those things. If I suffer an injury- a torn ligament, broken bone, or something else- through my efforts (along with medical help as needed) I could rehab and recover from that injury, my efforts would play a significant role in recovering. I would be able to recover. Unlike some things in life our bodies ought to be something that we can exert control, exert discipline, over.
But the cancer... it's not as if I can tweak my diet, step up my workout regimen, rehab my colon or liver and eventually overcome it. Diet and exercise are good things in keeping me healthy and stable, in hopefully prolonging my life or at least the quality of it for as long as possible. Even sitting in a Barcolounger every two weeks and getting pumped full of poisons for 5 or so hours won't allow me to overcome, master, and defeat it; at best it will keep it at bay for as long as it is effective. And that is what is frustrating, what pisses me off; that there is nothing I can do to master and control something going on within me. I guess I'm more of a control freak than I thought.
Nevertheless, on this day before Thanksgiving I do have much to be thankful for. I feel a helluva lot better than I ever imagined I would be feeling six months ago; I feel perfectly fine. Feeling good enables me to maintain a normal life, the life I was leading before I was diagnosed. Those are good things. I'm thankful for the medical care that I am receiving; I have some great, and very talented, people working on my behalf. And I'm thankful for- and still humbled by- the interest and concern and compassion I've received from so many good people whom I'm blessed to call family and friends. So Happy Thanksgiving- and Beat Sharon!
