"Ultimately, faith is a walk- a journey toward greater understanding."
- George W. Bush, Decision Points (I'm currently reading this.)
I'm not an especially church-going person. If I attend Mass six times a year that's a lot (though I did receive absolution back before I had my first surgery in May so I got that goin' for me, which is nice, to quote the inestimable Carl Spackler!) On occasion I will stop into a church if I have the time and inclination for a bit of reflection, meditation, to offer prayers for others, to simply sit in the silence and solitude. I do pray most every night before bed. I believe in the existence of God and I try to live my life according to Christian principles (sometimes better than other times) but the practice of religion doesn't play a major role in my day-to-day life. It didn't before I got sick and it really hasn't since being diagnosed. I don't say that to be condescending toward those who do; I respect their commitment, their faith. I've had several people offer prayers for me recently, which is obviously appreciated. Being confronted with a sudden, unexpected, and quite serious illness has given me- would seem to give many people- pause to consider their faith, God, an afterlife, etc...
Like anyone I've had my share of ups and downs, successes and setbacks, delights and disappointments. In terms of the negatives, while they're obviously not enjoyable I've tended to view them as parts of life, no better or worse than most peoples'. But to have something such as this come totally out of the blue it is difficult to make sense of it, to easily accept it as that's life. I'd been told that God doesn't judge or punish us in this life, part of the whole freewill/repentance/redemption thing. However this recent diagnosis has me feeling at times as if God is punishing me- now- for some transgression, some sin, something...
Yet there are also many people who are struck down with illness seemingly for no cause or reason. The six year old daughter of one of my fraternity brothers passed away last December after a lengthy battle with cancer- she certainly never hurt anyone, did anything wrong, she didn't earn or deserve her illness, her fate. And the converse is true as well- there are many people who commit vile, evil deeds yet lead long, healthy, many times productive and prosperous lives. Getting back to the faith aspect; do these things make God an aloof, capricious Being, playing us for saps? Are we saps for being believers? Is religion, is faith simply a crutch, a way to give the illusion of meaning to randomness?
In a way this parallels my for every effect there is a cause/for every question there is an answer thing. To my mind there ought to be at least some discernible reason as to why things happen. Or to why innocent, or at least relatively harmless or benign, people suffer while many who aren't as innocent, harmless, or benign often do not.
I wish I could find some definitive answer, some meaning, some understanding. I suppose I'll have to be content with faith.
