Guilt. Regret. Two things I've been dealing with since I was diagnosed with cancer a little over two months ago.
Guilt. Guilt over what all of this is doing to people I care for and about very much, the worry, the fear, the inconvenience this has put, is putting, and will put upon them because of me. First and foremost my mom; at her age she doesn't need any new, or added, troubles or difficulties in her life, certainly nothing of this magnitude. She's had- and has- health issues of her own, she doesn't need mine. In addition to my illness she has concerns and worries about my sister-in-law's health (she was diagnosed with- and has been undergoing treatment for- breast cancer since late last year) and the stress that is putting on their family. And my brother, who has enough on his plate dealing with his wife's illness, trying to keep things relatively even-keeled with their kids as well as with his job, life, etc... as well as worries about our mom's health. The last thing he and they needed- especially right now- was for me to also become ill. And my sister as well, having to travel to Massachusetts from her home in the Caribbean on short notice, twice; once for me, once for my mom's recent illness (which I wasn't able to fully manage because of my medical issues.) The stress on her- worries about our mom as well as me, as well as the work and financial stresses of having to fly up here on such short notice... Had I not gotten sick this would have been one less stress on my mom, my brother would only have to worry about his wife's condition, and I would have been able to handle things fully re. my mom so that my sister wouldn't have had to have done so. The facts that I didn't ask to get sick and that- apparently- I did nothing to bring on my illness do little-to-nothing to ease the tremendous guilt I feel for the stress and worry I'm putting on/adding to my family. They don't deserve it.
Regret. What's the line from My Way: "Regrets, I've had a few... ?" I have a few. Some of them I've alluded to previously, mostly related to how I treated many people in the past. But with perhaps one other exception most of my regrets are along the lines of the Mark Twain quote: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do." Disappointment, regret over things that I didn't do, didn't pursue- academically, athletically, career-wise, relationship-wise, interests, travel, more- than over (most) things that I did do, including things I did that were screw-ups. And now to be looking at what appears to be a time-shortened window of opportunity to pursue/do many of those things...
The challenge is to if not eliminate at least ameliorate the guilt and the regret. I suppose it's easier to work on the regret. I can't change the past, I can't have a do-over but I can make better effort at not adding to my regrets, I can more fully pursue things that are of importance to and that bring some personal fulfillment to myself and to others, endeavor to, as much as possible, not be disappointed in twenty years- or twenty months- by the things that I didn't try, didn't do, didn't pursue, to make better effort to hit each day at full speed while I still have time and health to try and do so. More difficult will be trying to deal with or lessen the guilt. Short of a miraculous cure this whole thing is going to continue to be stress and worry and inconvenience for those I care about regardless of how well I bear up. The fact that I didn't intend to bring this upon them (or upon anyone) provides little consolation...
I'm scheduled to begin chemo Wednesday.
